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Story: Lost Love, New Love
Posted on Friday August 27, 2004 at 19:51 by Lara |  |
Rated: PG
Status: Incomplete
Usagi is an artist with a soft spot for children. One day she runs into the adorable Josuke Chiba and falls in love. They become fast friends, but when she meets his father, Mamoru Chiba, it is love of a different kind. Becoming the young boy’s babysitter and moving in with the widow and his son, opens new feelings, new reactions, and new thoughts. Will this be a good change for the widow? Will the child finally have a mother? Will Usagi have the family that she has always craved?
Number of Chapters: 9 Total Size: 46k Word Count: 8,345
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 |  |  |  |  | | rainbabie - Saturday January 16, 2010 at 19:03 | |
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| | | | Now that you've updated Temptations, maybe you can update this story? I'd love to see how the story unfolds! |
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| | | | | | babydee - Friday April 20, 2007 at 13:54 | |
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| | | | you have done a good job on your story i hope that you will finish the story some time soon. keep up the good work . |
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| | | | | | Lyla - Friday October 13, 2006 at 11:22 | |
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| | | | WOW OHHH MY GODDD thats one of the best story i have ever read please finish it and please make the chapters longer
And keep up the good job and be proud of your self for have a talent of making stories |
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| | | | | | Anonymous - Monday July 24, 2006 at 22:42 | |
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| | | | it was .... alright not all that good. to bad you cut it off RIGHT where it was getting interesting!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| | | | That was excellent. I hope you have plans for finishing it in the future. |
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| | | | | | moonie - Thursday January 19, 2006 at 13:24 | |
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| | | | omg omg that was good as plz finish asap |
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| | | | | | Nasuki - Saturday September 03, 2005 at 05:37 | |
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| | | | nooooooo i wanna noe more wat happens next please continue |
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| | | | | | Loki - Friday August 12, 2005 at 06:20 | |
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| | | | Lara-what can I say? ^_^ I love it, what an enchanting story.
WISE:
I think for a story that has such short chapters you've certainly made the most of them; plenty of pathos, angst, WAF and something for everyone. however, I will give you my critique and I hope it helps you.
Firstly, as far as your ability to tell a story, you're extremely good at it: characterisation is good and I loved how you conveyed emotions felt by the characters, though there were some points in the first chapter where a little restructuring might bring out more of that amazing emotional impact.
You have some technical issues to work on and these are important - punctuation, grammar, sentence structure and word usage issues. I.E. some minor spelling errors and typos, it's all right, not alright, never put (?!) any punctuation together like this, and be careful with fragmented sentences. I strongly advise you to read the 'Writer's Tips' created for authors *see writer's forums* to improve technical skills. Honesty is your best ally right now and by studying these threads to correct these superficial flaws your writing will benefit.
All that said, plot, imagery and world building skills are already there. the story is perfect and only needs some BETA-editing. contact me if you would like my help as it would be an honor to do this for you.
You have an undeniable talent, and I encourage you to work hard towards developing the skill level you need to help make you a great writer.
I look forward to more from you -best of luck. *hands you a bunch of blood red roses and bows* "A Moon Cat is forever WISE, love this story!" =^_^= L. |
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| | | | ooo this sounds very interesting im excited to see what happens next!.. keep writing! |
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| | | | | | mythling - Thursday July 28, 2005 at 05:47 | |
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| | | | Just finished reading your story and I really liked it!! The characters are well developed and I totally love Jo =D I hope you keep writing and updating- can't wait to read what happens next =) |
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| | | | that was soo cool!hope u will be bale to keeep on writing more chaps for this fic!!!! ja ne. |
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| | | | | | astro - Friday March 25, 2005 at 16:13 | |
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| | | | the story is great, love it simply love it, but would it kill you to make the bloddy chapters longer?
oh, and update ASAP, pleaaaaaaase! |
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| | | | | | Anonymous - Friday March 25, 2005 at 03:53 | |
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| | | | ok, i really like this story so far...i can't wait to read the rest of it, whenever u update that is! anyway, just a couple of things i'd like to mention...in terms of grammar, the main thing i noticed was this: "Usa and her had been 16..." it shouldn't be "her" but rather "she"..if usa wasn't there, u wouldn't normally say "her had been 16", u'd say "she had been 16" so it should really be "Usa and she had been 16" or "She and Usa had been 16"..i think u did this one other time in another chapter..and the last thing..i have a bit of a problem with mamoru and josuke....first, mamoru leaves his son home alone, with no one watching?!?! and a sick son, nonetheless...if he has trouble finding a babysitter, at least explain y he has so much trouble, seeing as it happens more than once...i'm glad u at least had rei mad that mamoru had left his son alone in a public place for so long...and the other thing about josuke is his problem with speech..i mean, he's 6 yrs old and he still has trouble speaking?!? if he was a little younger i could understand but 6 yr olds can generally articulate better than he can..anyway, i hope u don't take any of this the wrong way...it's just constructive criticism....i really did enjoy ur story and ur really a good writer...please do update soon! |
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| | | | | | Ronnie - Sunday October 03, 2004 at 22:18 | |
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