2013-04-22 11:34 In the name of Glamour & Glitter, Fashion & Fame…- Amy Mebberson http://t.co/icF4yx6qZW @amymebberson

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I am so glad I finally got around to finishing reading this story, it was incredible, original and magical. The supernatural elements blended with the dreamlike quality and the interaction between the characters. I loved Darien's mother and how you wrote even the more scary segments, they all fit together perfectly.\

Wonderful job! <3333

It's really finished? =[
Fantastic story, I loved every minute of it! And that ending! At first I thought you'd let her die!
Wow.

In one word ...Outstanding! Bravo! I would have never thought of that very clever indeed.

Please tell me she disappeared. Cliffhanger omg the waiting.

I had to reread the four chapters again. Wow, this was moving pretty fast and seeing 2 different ways of how to deal with death. I hope to see more.

Did Seiya make a pack with death? This is getting good.

Other than slight spelling errors these chapters are excellent. It gives a clear explanation of what was going on with her and it stayed true to the "fighting for love and justice" also friendship and family between family. This is truely worth reading!

Wow! That was powerful but short! I can't wait to see the next chapter.

I am keeping track of this. This story is very interesting! Keep the chapters comming!

The story is good, but you’ve a few things still to skill-up on

WISE, I think you’vve got a great story and its plot sounds good, but I really suggest finding yourselves a good editor to help improve your story and to pass on good writing habits. If you do this, I have no doubt you are both quick studies and will quickly catch on.

Some things to tweak:

1: I woke up _somewhat_ (the use of this word, somewhat, is out of place here) in some strange place with people talking around me. Then all of a sudden I'm here…

2: Serena and Michiru made their way to the front of the group as they walked so Serena could unlock the door to let the _riot_(?) gang enter. She was searching for her keys when she felt someone grab her arm. Startling herself slightly (insert comma here)Serena lost her balance and fell out of the group into the street.(This last part of the sentence makes no sense, for if Serena is about to unlock the door to her apartment, how could she fall onto the road and into the path of an on-coming car, and the arm grabbing hers, who is it, a friend trying to save her, or protagonist?) It all happened in slow motion. She saw the headlights speeding towards her. At that very moment, it was as if reality had quickly become insanity. Every fiber of her being was screaming for her to move out of the _street_, (suggest replacing “street” with “way”), but nothing was registering in her brain.

3: Serena tried with all her might to grasp _Reis_ (a little typo, should be “Rei’s”) hand in return,

4: knew that _just_ ((could leave out “just” and replace with, “this”) was not an option.

5: I woke up _somewhat_ (this word not needed here, makes sentence awkward) in some strange place with people talking around me. Then all of a sudden (insert comma)I'm here…

6: _gapped_ (“gapped” is a hole, crack or opening, you mean, “gaped”) at him with her mouth _hung_ (“hung” is strictly meant for pictures and such, see Crystal Rose’s thread on writing tips in the writer’s forum archives for more information on this and other writing tips and techniques – best to leave it out to make sentence grammatically sound) lightly ajar, and thoughts speeding at _lightening_ (this spelling is in the context of “lightening the load, a “lightning” strike, is the right word to use here)

7: "My brother is my best friend, I love him more _then_ (“then” is past tense, you are looking for “then” as this word is comparative, “then” refers to ‘back then’ and ‘and then’ ‘then will you change’) I love myself.

8: Look for that (insert “thing ”)you are running from.

9: unaware of (insert “the”) person's arms she was in.

10: "Are you _ok_? (change “ok” contraction to “okay”)

11: Darien gently _placed_ (replace with “set”) Serena on her feet, but stayed close enough in case she needed the support. He watched as Serena stood shakily _upon her feet,(upon her feet, a tad redundant, show not tell)_

12: Amy stated in (insert “a”) worried voice.

13: _Off near the door_ (first part of this sentence is redundant)Four young men stood watching the scene (insert, “from the doorway”).

14: "I'm sure she will (insert comma, natural pause)Zack, just give her time. She is a smart young _women_ (this is plural, should be, “woman”), she just needs to have faith in herself." Michael stated as he watched the young
blonde with her friends.

15: but what _bout_ (should be, “about”) Darien?

16: Darien and Andrew both glanced down at Serena, before bringing their eyes up _to meet the other._ (the end of this sentence makes no sense, perhaps, “looked at one another”)

17: In a moment (insert comma here, natural pause) it seemed all the pieces _where_ (should be “were” see CR’s writing tips for more info) finally in place. Now (insert comma, pause) how the rest would play out was entirely up to Serena.

Well, hope these tweaks give you a good idea of those things you need to work on, but aside from that, it is nonetheless an interesting little story.

I really feel an editor will make such a big difference. Good luck. *hands you a crystal pen and winks*

this is good ^^
lol its different but good keep writing cause i want ot read more

Chapters 3 and 4

WISE, well, I thought chapter three was hilarious, but chapter four was a little too convenient, I would have made the couples find one another a little more slowly, but no matter. ^_^

There were spelling, word usage and grammar things, also, (I am "defiantly") this word actually means rebellious, stand up too an adversary etc, the word you are looking for in this sentence and in chapter four is, "definitely") ... going to love living with her.

Highlights:

I loved the natural flow between Michiru and Serena, but I have one suggestion I wish to run by you, would it not be good if you used all Japanese names for consistancy, it's up to you both to decide, but it might make the narrative flow a little better).

The banter over soap-operas was good, but the showers, the descriptions were a little over-done, sometimes you can skip these details and its fine. But that's just me. ^_^

The voices in the shower, that worked well with the themes in the earlier chapters, imagery good, vocab good, avoid the contraction, "Ok" should be okay.

The meeting could be a little more restrained, have the sparks flying between Darien and Serena, Michiru and Haruka more gradually, this will put a more realistic spin on the relationship. A little rushed.

But over-all, you have a great story on your hands, the dialogue was funny, witty and a delight to read. Again a few things to tweak, but a darn good and entertaining read and the right amount of suspense, try throwing in a cliff-hanger or two, that is always a buzz. *hands you a crystal scepter and a moon rose and bows* L.

Chapter 1 and 2

WISE, Well those chapters were fabulous. You both have a flare for the dramatic and a good sense for mind-bending intrigue.

Tweaks: I picked up word usage issues such as, "then when you should have used "than" -- then is a temporal thing, for example, back then and then, then tell me etc ... than, is comparitive, for example, I like this better than that... etc. Also, in chapter two you made the error of using the grammatically incorrect, "alright" this contraction is a good habit to break, it should always be written as, "all right" as two words. Also, you wrote loose instead of lose, it might have been the other way round, but watch these things and again, story manager will serve you well.

Highlights:

the mysterious figure on the rooftop, the sudden appearance of the figure and others in Serena's apartment, brilliantly done, it was powerful and worked well.

Chapter two, Serena's nervousness was well conveyed and I loved the scene with Michiru when Serena jumped out at her and frightened her, that was a riot. Fabulous, I thought the moving in scene was a little rushed, a little extra information would make it more convincing.

But in all, chapter's one and two were pretty good, and I liked your use of language -- a few things need tweaking, but in all, a good read and most entertaining.

*hands you both a moon rose and a crystal wand and bows* L.

Well both of you, welcome to the world of fan fiction

WISE, I don't believe in 'flames' and most of the members here at AI don't either, so you have nothing to fear on that score. But we do, those of us who cherish the WISE philosophy, believe an author ought to get an honest, and helpful critique that points out the strengths, flaws and weaknesses of a given piece of writing and highlight various aspects of their writing magic.

Firstly, punctuation was a problem in that there are many natural pauses throughout the first chapter that are simply begging you to add a comma etc, best way to find these is to read the text aloud to one another, and wherever you need to slow down, or pause, sure enough, there be a comma needed.

Spelling: When I breathe, I do not breath out... you used breath often, especially near the end of the prologue, that word, (prologue) you need to correct too. XD

Your story manager will allow you to go into the text of your story and add punctuation, correct spelling and other things.

Formatting: At one point, there were two shifts in POV fused together within the same paragraph after dialogue. The scene where Serena is on the phone and the shift moves from her, or too her from the second speaker, but you should have divided the dialogue tag that introduces the other POV and attach the second portion dealing with a new speaker to their dialogue. You will find it if you read carefully.

Grammar and redundancies, show not tell: Aside from the occasional typos and missing words, (and we all do it) grammar and expression were a little awkward at times. for example, ... "turn around and sitting beside..." there was a lot of repetition of phrases and words. concise is good, what is called, "word economy" in the sense that unnecessary padding or repetition will surely sink a good story faster than anything else. But it is easily fixed with a BETA editor.

The use of redundancies gives the reader information they already have and don't need. Your readers will picture scenes and characters in their mind's eye and won't appreciate having the obvious constantly reinforced. It's a skill that comes with practice and a keen eye. Showing not telling is the best way to go, so reducing the redundancies will make you both better writers.

Highlights:

Firstly, congratulations on hooking my attention, a reader will stick with you if the story is good, but she/he will only do that so long as you don't make them too distracted by the above. But having said that, the suspense and ambiance in the piece was first rate, the feelings of Serena and the themes of destiny over choice and all was well expressed. Characterisation excellent.

Visually the chapter was great, though I feel you can certainly improve and expand your vocabulary, which is good, but explore that, reading widely and using a thesaurus will serve you well here.

The shift from one world to another and the dialogue was good, and the plot is sound.

Story telling style is good and the world building, the stage upon which the story is set, is well constructed.

So, in closing, you have a good little story, only you need to skill-up on technical aspects, flesh out the language and experiment with analagies, fix the redundancies and maybe consider posting in the writer's forums for a good BETA editor to help hone your skills and polish this gem.

*Salutations and a moon crystal and bows* L.