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Rated: UnRated
Status: Incomplete
This is just a short story I thought of one night. Usagi has a debt to pay at any cost, but will she be able to fullfill her promise when the debt becomes personal.
Number of Chapters: 1 Total Size: 4k Word Count: 808
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| | | | Halfway through the story, you switch from past to present tense, making it seem as though I'm reading a summary. Then, in the last scene, you switch back to past tense. Stick to one tense to maintain consistency and the flow of reading.
The gaps in this story don't add anything in terms of building suspense. There are so many unanswered questions that instead of relishing a satisfying ending, one is left wondering so many things, such as who the man in the beginning was; what led to Usagi's decision to live a life like that; why, after all that time, would Mamoru take her back without so much as an explanation from her; who died at the end. Leaving so many unanswered questions shows a lack of planning on your part, and leaves the story looking unpolished and unfinished. I would suggest that you perhaps add a few more details in this story just to tie up loose threads.
Also...where is chapter 2? Next time, please check to make sure that you have uploaded the chapter correctly before leaving Story Manager; it just saves you from having to do more work later on. |
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 |  |  |  |  | | Joey - Tuesday November 05, 2002 at 04:02 | |
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