Arias Ink - Information about Rakusa

Taken Away
Reviewed by galena_steel - Sunday September 17, 2006 at 16:02

Very interesting; I'm intruigued. And I love the images you use. Your language is very poetic and you have a talent for describing people and things. Its lovely.

Taken Away
Reviewed by Anonymous - Thursday September 14, 2006 at 09:42

This does have potential I think, but an editor would definitely be a plus as Loki siad, but I do like it hon. ^^

Taken Away
Reviewed by Loki - Wednesday September 13, 2006 at 14:11

Rakusa -- I reviewed this story before, yet I have to say there is much you need to do to polish this story and make it shine

WISE: I can see your strengths, the storyteller is definitely there, but...

Urgent things to fix:

While I am always keen to encourage new writers, I think it important that the errors below are both corrected and avoided by any aspiring writer. I apologise, but it is not up to par.

1: Serenity ran (insert around) the corner, _blinked_ (?) out of sight and sneaked(ought to be: snuck) into her house, she knew nobody could see her unless they knew how to get down to the tree covered, _rock blocking mansion_ (sounds as if the mansion itself is able to block rocks, although this was not what you were trying to convey). Here, expression is so important, read the sentences aloud before a number of people and you will see that they sound all-wrong and jilted, grammatically and in meaning.

2: Jadeite _dropped his feet_ and leaned forward.(better as: Jadeite leaned forward after dropping his feet from the desk to the floor etc) The symbols that run throughout the story, and especially in the third chapter are not only annoying and distracting, but incorrect and unnecessary _e“_ you saw one?_”_Clean up the formatting!

3: _“_ (?)Are you sure it was him?_”_ _(spelling wrong here: should be Jadeite) ’s lips _tugged_ (? tugged?) down (insert comma here) because so far what she explained _didn’t_ sound like something. These sentences are format and expression mine fields and require immediate attention.

4: _Now one leg was stretched out behind her over the other ankle and she was twisted so she rested on her hands that were spread out onto the ground and she leaned into a straight line with her head tipped up towards the sea and her hair flaring out behind her._
I am sorry, but this sentence makes absolutely no sense what-so-ever. Firstly, expression is all wrong, the poor girl sounds as if she is playing a bizarre round of twister, or performing an impossible physical feet! You really need to work on how you express yourself. You need to show, not tell. Just say, ... She leaned back upon her hands, her eyes looking skyward, legs outstretched, her ankles crossed -- hair flaring out behind her.

5: _“I was just thinking… about how life is so fragile.”_ (This last sentence is a structural nightmare)

6: _“How’s that?”_ (?) He sagged to the ground and stretched his legs out in front of him _to look at her head on._ (expression wrong here)

So, to sum up, you need to fix the formatting -- get rid of the weird symbolism, all right to use as a paragraph divider to indicate a shift in scene etc, but not laced throughout the narrative like this. It is important to read the writers forums to find out how to develop the skills you will need -- particularly from the archives -- the mechanics of good grammar, structure, punctuation and presentation of your work. I know it is not easy dealing with a detailed critique, but believe me, you will be grateful for the honesty -- albeit brutal in the long term. I feel you are really selling yourself short by not getting help here. Have you tried to get yourself an editor? If you need help, ask for it in the writers forums, we are here to assist and it might take a little time, but it is yours for the asking.

You have good visualisation, world-building can be expanded, characterisation needs more work and plot strengthened. But if you fix the flaws above, expand vocabulary and avoid repeat words and phrasing -- as this is also a serious problem for you in expression -- you will blossom into a good storyteller and advance as a writer.

You have the foundation of developing your central characters far more than you have thus far, and you need to be more convincing about the appearance of Darien and the girls in the story. balance descriptions of Serena and her appearance with affect, her emotions are a good way to do this and a little more of her thoughts. Also, give her a more rounded persona, the _sexy_ imagery can get a little too stale after a time if you over-do it and characterisation, dialogue and narration is wanting.

I can only suggest reading more widely, brush up grammar and other skills and talk to others willing to pass on their experience and wisdom regarding the writing craft and you will improve in leaps and bounds. Good luck and I will keep an eye out for your changes and next chapter.
*hands you a crystal pen and bows* L.

Taken Away
Reviewed by Loki - Saturday August 19, 2006 at 13:14

Rakusa, you have a fascinating story here and the ability to hook the reader!

WISE: Only a few things you need to attend to. I would suggest finding yourself a good editor to bring out the obvious talent you have. You only need to work on expression, grammar and expand your vocabulary. With a grounding in the basics of technical skill you will become a successful writer. You are already accomplished in weaving together a great plot, fabulous imagery and the characterisation is also vivid. I like your earthy and physical descriptions of Usagi as Jadeite would likely express himself that way. I love the paradox of his nature.

You have me intrigued. I suggest you also build up your tech skills and add these to your amazing narrative style. Your writing flows and has a good pace also. Good luck and I look forward to reading more of your work. *hands you a crystal pen and bows* L.

Taken Away
Reviewed by starryice18 - Friday August 04, 2006 at 13:20

Great so far; different!! I like it; please update soon!!!!

Taken Away
Reviewed by lyss - Saturday September 17, 2005 at 10:28

i love jadeite. i love him and rei. together. maybe because the girl doesn't have blonde hair and jade's sooo hot. not as hot as mamoru though. i can't wait to know what's gonna happen next. pls cont. writing. i love the way its's getting done. very fresh premise.

Taken Away
Reviewed by starryice18 - Friday September 16, 2005 at 21:38

extremely interesting so far; please update soon!!!!! I can hardly wait for the next chapter!!!!

Taken Away
Reviewed by UsaRose - Wednesday September 14, 2005 at 23:37

Very interesting. I am hooked and eagerly anticipating the next chapter! Keep up the good work!

A Jolly Old Tale
Reviewed by Lavendermc - Monday December 06, 2004 at 01:28

This was very cute but felt rushed and sometimes difficult to follow. At first, I didn't really see the 'secret' thing then after I finished the story I kind of understood. It's quite cute though, keep writing!! :)