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Not Logged InMonday September 27, 2021 - 04:42
Article
Story: The Four Horsemen
Posted on Monday February 21, 2005 at 21:12 by crystal_rose
AIMod Download Enabled - Click to Download
Members Stories Winner:Most Popular Story - March 2005 Runner Up:Most Recommended Story - April 2005 Runner Up:Most Recommended Story - May 2005 
Runner Up: Most Recommended Story - May 2005

Rated: PG13
Status: Incomplete

This is a round robin collaboration between:

Crystal_Rose
Ktstarshot
Fushigi_Hime
Kiby
Serafina
Missandrony
Alisai
Claidiwinter
Aria
Cel1999
Lingy
SerraDee
Ladysolo
Selenis
Syrinx
Aglaia

The story begins in post apocalyptic Tokyo...


Number of Chapters: 46          Total Size: 261k          Word Count: 46,461

| Read |
ButtaUsagi - Sunday October 04, 2009 at 05:39
Will anyone update this story! I've been waiting a very long time......booohooo *snif sniff*.....\(>__<)/
Anonymous - Thursday April 05, 2007 at 18:00
Love it
ButtaUsagi - Sunday February 11, 2007 at 06:19
PLz UpDate............. i love this story....i read it three times straight.....plz i'm begging nicely!
Usako4life - Wednesday June 22, 2005 at 23:33
I really love this story. You all are doing a great job developing the story. I was wondering, when you guys were going to update next because you usually update on a regular basis. I can't wait.
Loki - Tuesday June 14, 2005 at 01:44
The last two chapters were amazing, for the confluence of events have reached an exciting climax. Syrinx, this latest chapter builds well upon its predecessor. I love the magical power of this story-truly awesome! *hands Syrinx a basket of silver roses & bows* L.
Loki - Thursday June 09, 2005 at 18:59
What can I say, I thought this chapter was absolutely fantastic! You elevated the degree of intensity, especially with Usagi's overwhelming display of power and love for her child in the face of darkness ... also the way you ended the chapter was perfect- making the story flow smoothly, a great job ! *hands you a shimmering rose & bows* L.
Anonymous - Tuesday June 07, 2005 at 07:07
I like that ... clever ending to that chapter! ^_^
Loki - Saturday June 04, 2005 at 17:54
I like the shift in direction with this chapter that has built upon the last where Usagi prevented her nemesis from leaving the ring. Unfortunately, a slight flaw, the sovereign's supposed to be blind? ^_^ Sorry, but if this is the case, perhaps she ought to have placed her hands upon the pages of the book until the words of the incantation appeared in her head and be consistent with discriptions of the sovereign. Aside from this minor oversight & a slight grammar issue ... I thought it an ideal place to set up the next chapter. the writing is exciting and adds to the drama of the narrative's flow. *hands you a amethyst rose* L.
Fushigi_Hime - Saturday June 04, 2005 at 15:17
Update #39, cel1999

I thought that this was an interesting chapter. Just a few spelling errors I found, one was the word throne. In the first sentence you have it spelled as thrown. The next time you use the word you spelled it correctly, but in the third from last paragraph you have it again spelled as thrown.

So now we know just how long Reijuro has been around causing trouble, very interesting. You did a great job over all with this chapter, and you left great material for the next in line to work with!
Syrinx - Tuesday May 24, 2005 at 20:52
Update #36: Aglaia

I loved the description in this update and the time taken letting things play out. The way Reijuro handled himself throughout the scene said a lot about his character. The whole situation was handled very cleverly.
Loki - Monday May 23, 2005 at 03:40
Fantastic, this chapter has me on the edge of my proverbial seat! Great job! *hands ya a indigo rose & bows* L.
Jupiter - Saturday May 14, 2005 at 06:42
At first I wasn't all that interested in reading this story, but now I am definatly hooked. When I finally decided to give this unique story a try, I realized I was checking in everyday waiting for the next update. Everyone has done a wonderful job and honestly, I don't want it to end, because this story has just turned out to be sooooooo amazing. I suggest everyone who comes by this story to definatly start reading, because it's great and it's the best!!! Thanks! ~Jupe
Loki - Thursday May 12, 2005 at 17:03
Cell, as usual you've given us a wonderful new offering that brings the story to another exciting point. I really enjoyed this one- the acton is gripping. Great Job! *hands you a golden rose & bows* L.
Loki - Friday May 06, 2005 at 17:26
There is action a plenty, it's amazing, I think the momentum this story has is incredible, and the last 2 chapters are riding its crest with skill and magic only good fan fiction writing can generate. the visualisation the climax at the end of the chapter and creative narrative twists and turns are impressive. Great job! *hands you all thousands of rose petals* L.
astro - Friday May 06, 2005 at 13:52
i hate u for this cliffhanger!
the story is great bdw :p
Loki - Friday April 29, 2005 at 02:42
Aglaia, I really thought this chapter highlighted the affinity between Haruka & Michiru, the tenderness between them contrasted with their shared feelings regarding Hotaru, and the conveying of hope when all seemed lost, great job. *hands you a quartz rose & bows* L.
Loki - Friday April 29, 2005 at 02:21
Syrinx, you've written this chapter beautifully - it flows well and adds to the over-all power of this story's exciting continuum. Brilliant. *hands you indigo roses & bows* L.
Syrinx - Monday April 25, 2005 at 17:04
Update #29, Aglaia

So many things have happened in this story, and we rarely get to see how people react to them. Your update has reminded me that the most interesting thing about [b]events[/b] is the reaction that individuals have to them.

And you've given whoever takes up the H/M thread next some good, fertile ground for *gasp* ...character-driven action! ^_^
astro - Thursday April 21, 2005 at 13:51
i liked it, but do the chapters really have to b this short? i mean the tention is killing me...anyways
Loki - Tuesday April 19, 2005 at 02:35
I liked the fast moving pace of this chapter; the plot twists were well thought out and clever. WISE points, one or two slight problems with punctuation, minor, and the occasional typos, but all-in-all, I thought you gave us something special. The characterisation and imagery were great. You covered a number of plot possibilities and Usagi's maternal instinct for survival and protection, (her way of dealing with the Youma) brilliant. Great job, and I liked the way you set up new threads for the next chapter. *hands you a silver rose encrusted with diamonds & bows* L.
Loki - Tuesday April 19, 2005 at 01:40
An intriguing introduction of a new protagonist, great visualisation, aside from minor errors, a fabulous and descriptive account that raises anxiety and concern for Usagi, Mamoru and the others. *hands you a sapphire rose & bows*
L.
Loki - Tuesday April 19, 2005 at 01:33
Aside from the rare typo & grammar errors, I found this chapter particularly fascinating. The confluence of events brilliantly demonstrated the accent on the surface tension between dark and light and the struggle that followed as Usagi, her child and their captors were confronted by the ultimate darkness-you've also cleverly set the tone for the next chapter. *hands you an array of white roses & bos* L.
Jamestown - Sunday April 17, 2005 at 21:42
May I just say that for a story written by several different authors. I am impressed by how it is written. It is cohesive and flows quite well and has quite a bit of originality to it. Good Job Everyone!
ClaidiWinter - Wednesday April 13, 2005 at 23:02
Woo hoo! Way to go Hotaru -- and Lingy! (though I'd like to point out that no longer having a body would mean Hotaru would not be able to take "one last breath"... but figuratively I suppose that she could ^^)

Awesome chapter, Lingy. You had me on the edge of my seat and clenching my fists. I'm biting my fingernails in anticipation for where the next author will take this! >.<

Congrats, again, on a well done chapter.
Serafina - Tuesday April 12, 2005 at 14:38
Cel1999: Update # 24

That was absolutely amazing! There is sooo much going on there and a lot of possibilities for all those links you've created. My eyes were bugging out of my head. lol

This is taking place before the neo-Queen era but after the destruction of Mistress 9, correct? I was just a little confused by the way chii-usa and hotaru were acquainted with one another. Probably just me. Great update!
Loki - Tuesday April 12, 2005 at 06:54
The cascade of images, vivid emotions and power of the narrative has overflowed into magnificent intensity and the characters and the brilliant unfolding plot has taken us to an exciting apex ... WISE points of minor errors & typos are few, but easily dealt with: All-in-all ... superb effort Cell, Aria and the others before you having created something special and magic-the angst, hope and love and sheer energy of this story is amazing! *hands you all a garland of luminous silvery-blue diamond roses*
Fushigi_Hime - Sunday April 10, 2005 at 20:54
Cel1999 - update #24

Wow, that chapter was awesome! You did a wonderful job writing this. You packed so much emotion, action, and excitement in this one installment, that it almost felt like I was reading a longer entry. Does that make sense? You took the momentum that Aria gave you and doubled it, and for the first time I am really at the edge of my seat waiting to see what happens. I applaud you cel, you did a wonderful job!

Ja,
Fushigi Hime
Fushigi_Hime - Saturday April 09, 2005 at 02:41
Aria Update #23

Just when you think that everything was going to be okay, look what you go and do!! There was only one tiny error I saw.

It was obvious that if thy weren't willing to help him, he would gladly do it alone I think that you meant they.

I really feel that you gave this story the needed push in the right direction, you got the plot moving again. I could feel the excitement and determination in this chapter, and then to be left with that cliffhanger, that wasn't nice! :) You did a great job, and you left off at a great place for the next in line. Bravo!

Ja,
Fushigi Hime
ClaidiWinter - Saturday April 09, 2005 at 01:03
Aria: Update #23

Curse you Aria! Haha that was amazing. What a cliffhanger - I'm so glad this story updates every two days. You carried that over very well - better than I could. Haha I was at a loss when I ended the chapter. Well done!

Everyone: Updates 1-23

I don't think I've reviewed anyone else (SHAME!) which I will start doing, but let me take the time to say that everyone has done an awesome job and I am so impressed with this story. Far more so than I thought I was going to be. Awesome work, minna!
Tess - Friday April 08, 2005 at 22:17
I have to say, I've been incredibly impressed with this story so far. I've never really been a fan of the whole apocalyptic fanfic thing, but I've been pleasantly persuaded that it's actually rather enjoyable. ClaidiWinter and Aria, Chapters 21 and 22 were particularly amazing. I love the way you've both portrayed all of the characters' emotions, and all the interactions between Usagi and Mamoru are so sweet. I'm loving the cliffhanger ending as well. I can't wait for the next update! Keep up the fabulous work, all of you!
Angelgrl185 - Friday April 08, 2005 at 00:14
I really liked this update ClaidiWinter. I especially like the interaction between Venus and Naru. Venus was really getting on my nerves and I'm glad Mercury, literally, knocked some sense into her. I think you moved the story on a little bit more because it seems as if the story has been stuck in about the same area with no real new developements. Though nothing huge happened, it still progressed a little bit with Venus' confrontation and Mamoru beginning to tell Usagi about what's happening. Well written, good job.
Loki - Tuesday March 29, 2005 at 02:10
This chapter brings together the Senshi and Naru, she certainly possesses untapped power, despite her station in the Silver Millennium, I'm sure she's got what it takes to serve with the Senshi as she's close to being one herself. I also thought you carried off the angst and emotional intensity CR delivered in the last chapter. I enjoyed this installment muchly. *hands you a pink quartz rose & bows* L.
Loki - Tuesday March 29, 2005 at 01:56
CR, you've generated a powerful chapter here, you could cut the tension as if it were made of cloth. The angst deep emotion and how events around them move from moment to moment demanding more from each of them than they realize they possess. brilliant. *hands you a deep red rose & bows* L.
Loki - Tuesday March 29, 2005 at 01:45
Aglaia you've once again worked magic with your skill as a storyteller, you've presented the dark & light brilliantly, fantastic job! *hands you a white diamond rose* L.
Aglaia - Friday March 25, 2005 at 19:39
Update 17: Crystal_Rose

Even though you didn't advance the plot much, this was a solid update with good use of language. I like that you chose to explore Venus' character, particularly that you wanted to explain why she had become so cold. The closeness of her relationship to Artemis was well-expressed, but she still seemed a bit too hardened even under the circumstances. I'm not sure if this was deliberate or not, but I noticed that you mentioned but didn't explain why she ordered the Senshi not to interfere with the outside world. I'm still not sure why she would forsake (even temporarily) the plight of regular humans when she has cared so much about them in the past.

She's certainly still growing into the leadership role she was designated to, and you did a good job of elaborating the dynamic between Venus and the other Senshi.

Your explanation of Artemis' actions was perfectly plausible and provides a good reason why he hasn't been mentioned previously. It accounts for his presence without necessarily forcing another character on the other writers.

Nicely done,
~Aglaia
Syrinx - Thursday March 24, 2005 at 15:40
Update 16: Aglaia

My favorite part of this chapter was how you got into Naru's head a little. I was waiting for that to happen. It's great material. And her turning the trust issue around on the senshi was perfect.

And... I guess I can forgive you for erasing all doubt about Reijuro. ;-p Also, the big question I have, after reading your update, is what he'll gain from summoning the four.
Fushigi_Hime - Thursday March 24, 2005 at 05:53
Aglaia: Update #16

Again sorry for the confusion. I enjoyed this chapter very much. I like the smoothness of your writing, this chapter flowed well. The scene between Naru and the senshi was worked out well, and I am glad that some issues were cleared up. Always a new twist with this story. You did a great job!

Ja,
Fushigi Hime
Loki - Monday March 21, 2005 at 03:49
Selenis, I really liked the atmosphere you created in this chapter. The writing is fabulous and the link in the narrative chain slips perfectly into place. Awesome job. *hands you a silver rose & bows* L.
Loki - Monday March 21, 2005 at 03:41
You've added a series of intricate web strands to the story, intriguing. I felt the expansion of the plot and the new questions, twists and turns fascinating. An amazing stroke of genius. *Hands Syrinx a deep red rose & bows* L.
Loki - Monday March 21, 2005 at 03:30
Well LS I like the connection with a previous embodiment for Naru. I think it fits perfectly and is the natural step in the narrative, and I loved your ability to illustrate the background to Naru's legacy. Great job, *hands LS a bunch of ruby roses & bows* L.
Fushigi_Hime - Monday March 21, 2005 at 02:27
Update 15: Syrinx

Very interesting description of the Sovereign. I had imagined her in a bit different, but I really like the way you described her. This was a very interesting chapter indeed, I really like what you did with the plot. This story is building up so well, and I think you did a wonderful job adding to the foundation.

Ja,
Fushigi Hime
Serafina - Thursday March 17, 2005 at 14:47
Update #12: ladysolo

Now THAT is an interesting twist. I like the way you gave Naru a stronger role in this, even making her an incarnation of a Moon being. Dude, awesome.

This was a great update - gives more insight into the Naru - Usagi relationship and sets up a WHOLE lot of interesting new things we can all play with. Plus, I like the way you threw in that line with white horse. That was good.

Forgive me... illness makes one incredibly inarticulate... =(
Loki - Monday March 14, 2005 at 10:13
Sara Dee, you've balanced the story out very well, I really enjoyed your treatment of this amazing narrative. the connections are complete and well poised for the next instalment, I loved your style, *hands SD a bunch of silver roses & bows* L. =^_^=
Syrinx - Sunday March 13, 2005 at 23:40
Lingy: Update #11

I think you did a good job continuing the three different scenes you chose for your update. I was thankful most of all, for how you did the scene with Naru seeing Reij do his bad deed. Since you chose to put Naru at a distance and not actually *hear* what was going on, that still leaves some hope for those of us who want Reij. to end up as a good guy. (Though I admit, it doesn't look good for him.)

The only thing that struck me as off in your update was the very last exchange. First, I wondered why Kirashi would use "Kaiyou", his cover name, instead of his real name. It also didn't seem right for her to give him an order, let alone that he would actually *obey* her, since she is a subordinate. It seemed strange, thirdly, that he was there on the scene at all.
Fushigi_Hime - Friday March 11, 2005 at 21:31
Lingy Update #11

Well you just pushed that plot along now didn't ya? :) This is a great chapter, it shed some light on what happened before the attacks. I think you did a good job with the flow of your addition. You left it off at a good spot for the next author, so I can't wait to see what else is in store for this fic! Good job Lingy!

Ja,
Fushigi Hime
Loki - Friday March 11, 2005 at 06:07
Lingy, this was a stunning undulation of hope and dread, beautifully written as always. Your world-building & style truly breathtaking.- The scene is charged with such power and emotion- a kind of metaphoric template of life, death and that which is hope to be reclaimed. awesome! *hands you silver roses & bows* L.
Loki - Friday March 11, 2005 at 05:57
All I can say is Cell, Wow! I thought the way you wove Luna and Naru together into the story brought the narrative together beautifully. brilliant job your writing style is amazing and builds on what has flowed before. *hands you a bunch of pink roses & bows* L.
Loki - Friday March 11, 2005 at 05:48
Aria, I must say you've sculpted an imaginative turn in the story moving it forward adding the right balance of hope and pathos, I thought the depiction of Hotaru-Sailor Saturn and the way you choreographed her actions with the glade hum like a tuning fork of suspense and tugged at the heart-strings. beautifully done. *hands Aria a cluster of golden roses* L.
Loki - Friday March 11, 2005 at 05:38
Claidi, you've woven here a dark and mennacing scenario, for I wonder what will happen as all within the crumbling restaurant face off against the glade weilding figure who has pushed them all to the brink on her blade's edge -- mystery & intrigue abounding -- brilliantly presented. *hands you indigo roses & bows* L.
Loki - Friday March 11, 2005 at 05:24
Alisai - I liked the way you captured the trauma of destruction and death, you presented a very human reaction to the horror presented in your description. The impact upon the heart when faced with death's claw ripping away life from an innocent. Very well written. *hands you a white rose & bows*
Loki - Friday March 11, 2005 at 05:17
This chapter offered us a set of chaotic moments, well suited to the scenario. The style like shattered glass, creating the atmosphere appropriate for the moment. Other than the llittle dialectic 'off of' that didn't fit grammatically, and the rare typo, I found this chapter provided the reader with the perfect dystopian landscape, well done. *hands ya a quartz rose and bows*
Loki - Friday March 11, 2005 at 04:59
Well Serafina, you've created an interesting contrast with Mamoru in this chapter. The moment of suspense at the end was a good cliffhanger- a couple of little glitches, but on the whole it was a good effortt. *hands you a blood red rose and bows* L.
Loki - Friday March 11, 2005 at 04:47
Kiby, I like the shift in experience for Naru. It reminds me of how we can feel after returning to consciousness after an operation or fall, and everything and everyone seems sharp and disorientating, you captured that and something of the impact of the last days on Venus, excellent. *hands you a silver rose*
Loki - Friday March 11, 2005 at 04:42
I must say, Fushigi Hime- you created a magical and unexpected twist I found truly amazing and thoroughly praise worthy for the imaginative way in which you did it too. The monument a fantastic inclusion and the surreal mythical stuyle balanced the narrative beautifully and was seemless with the first part of the chapter -- great job! *hands you sapphire roses and bows*
Loki - Friday March 11, 2005 at 04:26
Lingy, you've woven a fabulous addendum to the prologue and created a world with characters charged with real presence. The bright spark of light amidst the realm of shadow demonstrates the power of love and friendship you highlighted, well done. *hands Lingy a golden rose & bows*
Fushigi_Hime - Thursday March 10, 2005 at 20:37
Update #9 Aria

This was a very intense chapter, and I loved the attention given to Usagi. I could actually feel my heart pounding as I was reading the scenes with Mamoru and Saturn. This was a wonderfully written addition to this story, and I am looking forward to the rest. Great job Aria, but I had a feeling it was going to be great! ;)

Ja,
Fushigi Hime
Fushigi_Hime - Thursday March 10, 2005 at 20:30
Update #10 Cel1999

This is a very interesting chapter I must say. I was very curious as to what was on the other side of the door, and I am glad that you answered that question. Now I will just have to sit and wait to find out what another author is going to do with Naru's future. I like how you resolved the issue of the golden path. You left a great place for the next author to weave more to this story, and I think you did a great job!!

Ja,
Fushigi Hime
Serafina - Thursday March 10, 2005 at 05:27
This, by far, is THE most consistently updated story on AI... you are GUARENTEED a new chapter every 48 hours... doesn't get much better...

Anywho...

Aria: Update #9

Excellent. =D I loved the shot fragments at the beginning of the chapter. It was a nice change from the long descriptive narratives we've been seeing lately - it's a nice option to explore (not for an entire story, obviously but for a break for the Land of Never-Ending Sentences...).

To everyone who has updated thus far: I'm quite impressed, honoured and a tad intimidated but nevertheless, I'm having fuuuuuuuun! Waiting for the next update. =D
becxfok01 - Thursday March 10, 2005 at 03:18
Wow. The story has been amazing so far, and the level of writing here is unbelievable! I am very impressed with all your writing. Although it fustrates me that each chapter is quite short, I do understand why. I can't wait to read more!
ClaidiWinter - Monday March 07, 2005 at 20:33
Aria: Update #9

Oh wow, haha CR said I would like this chapter - how could I not? It was fantastic. You did what I could not. You added on to the thread with Usagi, which I desperately wanted to see more of but couldn't think of a way to continue. But you followed through with it and my installment seemlessly.

I love that you added a bit of hope to an otherwise completely desolate story.

Excellent!
MissAndrony - Saturday March 05, 2005 at 03:25
ClaidiWinter: Update #8

NICE twist. When I wrote my scene I had absolutely no idea where it would go after I stopped, and you did an excellent job typing it into the greater storyline. You also carried on Alisai's threads nicely, even though I know those were sketched in afterward.

Style wise, your sentences run on a lot longer than they need to. Unless you're going for stream of consciousness, it's better to chop your sentences into shorter, harder-hitting statements than to let them linger and fizzle out. I saw several spots you could've broken sentences up into two or three parts. Just something to keep in mind for the future.
Moon_Destiny - Saturday March 05, 2005 at 02:03
Claidi Winter: Update #8:

That was a great chapter. You had a lot of intensity and darkness but I guess that's expected since this chapter did deal with the sailor of destruction. I hope other authors explore this plot further and don't make a whole new one that's gonna add to the confusion. There's still a lot of mystery and lots of directions for this story to go in.

The battle between Sailor Neptune, Uranus, Saturn and Tuxdo Kamen adds wonderful action to the all ready thrilling story. And Hotaru's new personality is not entirely unexpected but you've introduced her quite well. She wasn't too dark but not too pure either. I guess what I'm trying to say is that she still has a little bit of Hotaru in her but it feels like she's suppressing it and power has her in it's control. That you have installed into your story without it being overdone or cheesy.

Can't wait for the next installment.
crystal_rose - Thursday March 03, 2005 at 06:37
Serafina: Update #5 (I *almost* forgot the header again ><;;)

I take comfort in the fact that, even after an apocalypse, that ugly green jacket still lives. ^^

I'm glad that you've decided to change the main focus from Naru to Mamoru with this chapter. I was wondering when he would make an appearance, what he'd been up to, and how he'd been coping with Usagi's disappearance. I thought you addressed all those issues very well, and you pulled off the transition from Naru to Mamoru very well. It wasn't abrupt or out of nowhere, and it flowed very well with the other chapters.

There is, however, one thing that sort of puzzled me. You say that a meteor crashed into the corner of his building and yet he still lived? I actually looked up the meaning of meteor on dictionary.com and it said that a meteor is just the streak of light that was produced when a meteoroid passes through and is burned up in the earth's atmosphere. Did you mean meteorite, which is the remains of a meteoroid after it passes through the atmosphere? Anyway, it's no biggie--thanks to you, I actually (re)learned something that I had completely forgotten I already knew. *sweatdrop*

This fic is being updated faster than I can review it. ^^;;
Serafina - Wednesday March 02, 2005 at 05:22
MissAndrony: Update #5

Very well done indeed. I really had two other people in mind initially when I wrote that ending, but just as I was submitting it, I realized who else it could be interpreted as - and rightfully so. I'm glad you chose the latter, it gave other authors more freedom to move around within the storyline.

There were a two errors that I noticed, although it was very nicely written and a bit lighter than the previous update (me =D) so it helped keep the mood even and not depressing. Anywho in the sentence 'We've haven't been able to make contact since then', I do believe you meant to write 'we haven't' instead. Also, when descriping the attack on the restaurant, 'rolling' is spelled 'roiling'. Just a few minor changes that can be easily fixed.

I noticed in my own update that there were a few words that were incorrect, like 'is' instead of 'in' and a sentence that was so weird I'm surprised my editor didn't catch it... Fault on my part for not going over her work but I ASSumed... yea, anywho, Good Job!
Moon_Destiny - Tuesday March 01, 2005 at 21:55
Serafina: Update #4

This is a fantastic addition. It's very angsty and intriguing. You've done a wonderful job of expressing Mamoru's pain in just two pages.

I've just found a few tiny grammatical mistakes but they can be easily fixed with a reread. Like, before the last paragraph in this sentence, '...the locket containing the picture of (he) and his wife, the woman he loved.' Supposed to be 'him'.

This update also changed its direction. Not that it's a bad thing; it's a good thing. I was just completely surprised by it. You've really got me fired up for this story. Great job on this chapter.
crystal_rose - Monday February 28, 2005 at 20:06
kiby: Update #4

To be honest, I was expecting a scene similar to this one after reading the previous update. I'm not saying that it was predictable in that it was a cliche, just that you had to work with what you were given, and you pulled the change in plot off reasonably well for such a short update.

This is an instance of narration not exactly agreeing with characterization; I thought that Sailor Venus' turning "so harsh", as Naru said, was inevitable, which is why I'm not entirely convinced that Naru would have to question Venus' cold attitude. After all, they *are* in a post-apocalyptic world, right? Living in those conditions would turn the bubbliest person into someone more cynical. I mean, It would only be natural.

With the disappearance of a pregnant Usagi and the series of natural and unnatural disasters affecting the world, I would assume that Venus would have to be feeling the pressure of leadership even more. It would be great to see Venus' character developed more; I thought the scene was intriguing and certainly pulls the plot into yet another direction, but it was really too short for any kind of in-depth character development.

That said, I think that the tone of the story lost a bit of the darkness I saw in the other chapters, and I think it was due to the short sentences. A little shorter and the update would've sounded mechanical. In addition to describing what each character sees and does, try to use language to build up the atmosphere; describe what the characters are feeling, both physically, emotionally and mentally. Try to make the sentences flow into the next instead of straightforwardly describing what's going on.

Other than that, I think that you've presented the next author with a solid platform to start off with. Good job.
lingy - Wednesday February 23, 2005 at 19:06
KTStarShot Update 2

That was awesome. You really managed to succeed CR's chapter smoothely. This is turning into a really good story, and I can't wait to read the Fushigi hime's one.... I'll go do that now ^_^
Syrinx - Wednesday February 23, 2005 at 03:15
fushigi_hime, update 3

I loved how your chapter was simple: it had a theme and followed it. Also, you set up your chapter's event in a clear yet open-ended way, so that the next author will really feel free to go anywhere with it and at the same time feel inspired. I think that must be the kind of generosity that makes a round-robin successful.
selenis - Wednesday February 23, 2005 at 03:11
Fushigi_Hime: Update #3

Interesting chapter. I liked the touches you've added to it, like Naru ducking behind cars and calling the knife Toto. (That last one amused me greatly :D )

I noticed a couple of little errors though: "Panic instantly filler Naru's heart ..." I think you meant 'filled'.

"...Naru misjudged the first step, and in a very Usagi-esc fashion..." That should be "Usagi-esque", I think.

"Darkness threatened to take over Naru's conscience..." I think you meant "conscious".

But all in all it was a nice chapter, and that secret passageway leading under the senshi's statue was neat.

selenis
crystal_rose - Wednesday February 23, 2005 at 02:58
Fushigi_Hime: Update #3.

Hey, I didn't know this was updated already! But I'm glad to see it up because that was a great twist at the end. I have to admit that when I wrote that bit about the Senshi being missing, I never imagined how you guys would make them "reappear" again. I never expected the Senshi to make an appearance this early on, but I liked the way you led Naru (and the readers) to them. Very inspired. You did a great job.
Alisai - Wednesday February 23, 2005 at 02:37
Fushigi_Hime: Update #3

I loved Naru's dialogue to herself.. calling the knife Toto totally cracked me up. It really made me think that she was loosing it, but who wouldn't when they'd been through as much as her? And finally! The introduction of the mighty senshi into this story. Oh, but wait - aren't we missing one? Love it!
I was really surprised as to where you had Usagi lead Naru, but then Usagi would have known that she'd be safe there..
Alisai - Wednesday February 23, 2005 at 02:31
Ktstarshot: Update #2

About that little misunderstanding that I had.. ^^;; we'll just try to forget about that, eh? heh..
Wonderful addition! I'm intrigued by the villians. They sure aren't those that we have seen before. And poor Naru! Some husband.
Alisai - Tuesday February 22, 2005 at 08:27
CR: Update #1

(copied from the forums!)

Hmm, I really didn't expect anything like this! The thoughts of where this story could go are really starting to excite me! Can't wait to see who is saving Naru. I loved the atmosphere that is in this chapter; I could almost feel the ground shaking. Heh.

I really enjoyed how the prologue was so vague. I admit it, I was completely mislead into thinking that Usagi was being depicted. Ah, the deceptiveness!! Great beginning CR, what a way to set the standards!
crystal_rose - Tuesday February 22, 2005 at 06:57
Ktstarshot: Update #2

(I almost forgot to add that header in--thank God I didn't or I'd have broken my own rule.)

This chapter is the reason why I love the idea of this collaborative story. You've taken this story in a whole other direction than where I was thinking it would go, and I must admit, it was better than anything I could've imagined.

I'm mightily intrigued by the character Reijuro. The first time I read this chapter, I thought he was Naru's husband, but then I noticed that you used Usagi's maiden name, and then I wasn't sure. (Was the use of Usagi's maiden name deliberate on your part? I guess we'll never know, huh? You've definitely given the next few authors something to work with.) I like the names you've picked out, and the 'Sovereign' sounds like an intriguing head villain.

One thing though: we're using the Japanese version so the term 'Negaverse' should be replaced by 'Dark Kingdom'. Other than that, I thought this chapter flowed seamlessly from the prologue. Great job!
selenis - Tuesday February 22, 2005 at 00:46
CR: Update #1

I just finished reading the first update and it is a very interesting start to the Round Robin. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, perhaps something 'happy' (not quite the word I was looking for, but it'll have to do) for some reason, but I am quite pleased with this beginning.

A sort of apocalyptic/end of days fic... I haven't tried one of those in any form even though I've enjoyed the concept in any number of other fandoms.

The title immediately completed itself in my head with "... of the Apocalypse" (was that intentional on your part?) and the imagery/atmosphere of fear and chaos is well done.

So, well started, and I am looking forward to continuing with this.

selenis
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