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Crossovers: Wilted Dreams
Posted on Tuesday July 12, 2005 at 09:48 by SerenareyChiba
AIMod Download Enabled
Members Crossovers Genre: Mystery, Suspense

Rated: R
Status: Incomplete

Usagi Tsukino is a corporate manager of a business that helps children achieve their dreams of higher education. Lucas Steinford is a subordinate of hers that always tries to help and understand her. Naruto Uzumaki is a younger "brother" of Lucas, with a seemingly hidden connection with Usagi. Emotions fly and thoughts come to the surface as the three identify with one another. But can lost dreams gain hope once again?

Number of Chapters: 2          Total Size: 31k          Word Count: 5,300

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JadeCerise - Wednesday April 26, 2006 at 05:58
Woah. That was... amazing! Your descriptions are so vivid, it's almost as I'm with there inside the room with Usagi and Naruto. It's great! ^^

I can't wait see what would happen next- how Naruto would react to Usagi's presence. Update soon! ^_^
Loki - Friday August 12, 2005 at 04:50
I really enjoyed this amazing chapter SRC, I thought it a brilliant combination of rich and haunting imagery woven into a mysterious otherworldly tapestry. The atmospherics set the mood brilliantly.

WISE: The minor grammar & structural flaws as you've said will be taken care of soon, so I won't comment on those other than to say they didn't detract too much from the power of the narrative.

I loved your use of language-vocabulary, excellent. You're truly a sculptress of the written word, successfully animating your characters, giving them a living presence enhanced by the way you place them in their bodies-this adds a real physicality to your narritive style and puts the reader within the story.

Contrast of images and affect- particularly engaging-Usagi's inner termoil- I would love to see you explore this more between Victoria and with other characters-give a little, but don't give away too much too soon. Suspense is the bi-product -kind of like reeling in a big Marlyn -it's all in the timing, but having said this, I think you're onto something really good here. I look forward to more and love your work. ^_^ *hands you a bunch of sapphire roses and bows* Loki-sama
Aria - Wednesday July 20, 2005 at 08:11
Good start, interesting. It draws you in and makes you wonder what is going to happen next. There are a few places where you switch tenses, but it's nothing too bad. An editor would help clean it up. I'm liking the characters so far and am looking forward to seeing more.

Keep up the good work!
Loki - Friday July 15, 2005 at 06:32
Well ^_^ to begin: Excellent characterisation and a real sense of place and atmosphere.

This story has an evocative flavor that had me hooked from the outset. I loved the prose you used and the light and shade in terms of mood and tension between your characters.

The realism in the final scene I could relate to, I'm sure many have encountered from time-to-time the type of person who thinks themselves above helping a stranger find their way round a new city or town ... great job! WISE points: Your story flows beautifully, and has an authenticity that is most engaging.

I only noticed a couple of little things: be careful not to use too many ? marks and ! marks, especially in the same sentence. I may be fussy here, but I didn't think you needed to put 'back' after retorted as this word is a past tense word and back is too ... so ^_^

All-in-all I loved this beginning, keep up the great work and *hugs* to you *hands you a golden rose and bows* L. =^_^=
Aileen - Friday July 15, 2005 at 03:25
Wow! You're really good. I like it when an author can write an original story line. Sure I enjoy the old Usagi/Mamoru romances but when you can put in your own characters and still make it work... SerenareyChiba, I applaud you. I loved it! Write more!
RENA630 - Tuesday July 12, 2005 at 17:29
Well I have to admit i read this fic on a limb and I'm glad I did. It's turning out to be very intresting so far. I like how you developed Serena's personality, not very many fics portray her that way. And I love the question you asked at the bottom very nice. Aside from a couple of oddly worded sentences I thought it was great...keep it up!

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