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Rated: PG13 Status: Incomplete
All know of the love that transcended time and space and saved the world, but there were other loves and sometimes they only thing that gets in the way is the loves themselves.
Number of Chapters: 3 Total Size: 65k Word Count: 11,445
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 |  |  |  |  | lexie_06 - Thursday January 03, 2008 at 07:04 |  |
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 |  |  |  | i love it! i hope you update real soon! i love how you brought out rei's character! id love to read more about rei and jed. |
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 |  |  |  |  | Anonymous - Friday April 13, 2007 at 08:16 |  |
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 |  |  |  | I liked this chapter very much, I thought I would try my hand at this WISE thing/
(my thoughts) "I did," Sailor Venus replied as Nephrite shrugged almost apologetically *at his shoulders* (this is a redundancy that makes the sentence un-even and clunky,as if he was shrugging at his own shoulders, see what I mean? It is obvious the action of *shrugging* involves the *shoulders* and there is no need to *tell* as you’ve already *shown* us and it is moot). at his commander. Later in the story, we have a typo, or wrong word use of a clichet as follows: We will be the laughing *stick* (the clichet is, ‘the laughing stock’ of the palace. Rolling his eyes at Jadeite's feeble attempts to remove the garment, *the* (did you want to say, *he*? crossed the room to lend a hand. Those invited to sit at the Queen's *table* for dinner had already arrived and had taken their places at the *table*. (This is a little redundancy, but note worthy as you’ve said *table* in the same sentence). That is all I could find, this is a great story and I loved the way you portrayed the characters, it was fantastic and I was hooked from the start. Loved your descriptions and all. I loved the chapter and I am looking forward to reading more. Best of British luck to you! ^^ |
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 |  |  |  | He he he! Whhoooa nelly! You sure got Taming of the shrew or Love at war brewing. Keep the chapters comming. |
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 |  |  |  |  | Anonymous - Saturday June 03, 2006 at 02:07 |  |
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 |  |  |  | Mars is amazing, hot tempered does not even come close to that little fiery princess... I do not blame her though, but I think there is more than a little flame burning for her antagonist, Hmmmm? ^_^You asked about mistakes, I only picked up a couple you hadthe .io instead of oi in Zoicite & let me think, just a couple of typos and one or two little spelling things, but nothing serious. You can pick those up by reading through it. Its elsewise perfect. ^^ |
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 |  |  |  |  | Anonymous - Monday May 15, 2006 at 17:26 |  |
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 |  |  |  | Hey girl! I hope you update soon, I am kind of looking forward to where you take things next!^^ |
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 |  |  |  |  | Anonymous - Sunday April 02, 2006 at 15:53 |  |
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 |  |  |  | I like your update. Some repeat words, try and find other words meaning the same thing and mix it a bit. But cool. Your story is fantastic! Jadeite is the right name spelling I think from memory, you have two different spellings. There is a couple of mistakes in your summary, and I think that is all I could find for you, great job and I gotta go now, bye |
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 |  |  |  | That was wonderful, keep going please! I love your writing style. I think you have a great way of building the world that backs your story - the descriptions of the uniforms and characters add a really nice touch and make the moon kingdom come alive for me - without being drawn out and wordy. I also think you have a great way of building intensity- you have a wonderful descriptive paragraph and then you throw in a short powerful phrase that intensifies the momement. My favorite - "Jadeite's jaw dropped." You also have lovely dialogue that is easy to follow and flows very naturally for me. Keep it up, I definitely want to read more! |
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 |  |  |  |  | Loki - Thursday March 16, 2006 at 02:08 |  |
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 |  |  |  | You have a great story on your hands:
WISE, Lets get some house-keeping out the way first -- I suggest from the outset that you find yourself a editor, I would be happy to help if you are interested as I love this story and feel it deserves a good proofing. Areas you need to work on: grammar, expression, punctuation and correct incomplete sentences, and you need to show rather than tell, and not state the obvious and avoid repetition and clean up typos. I found these detracted from what is otherwise a fabulous narrative, your summary too will put people off if it is laced with errors as it is a litmus test of what they will assume is likely to be repeated throughout your work. I suggest you read up on the writers forums on _Writing Tips_ You will benefit far more from a honest critique rather than a _Gah! or PLZ_ which tells you nothing. Your work will improve in the long run by honest reviews, and hard work on your part. You are talented, sure, and even the best of writers need feedback that helps make them a better writer.
High Points!
You have a great vocabulary , that is always a plus. The tension between Jadeite and the Mars Princess was palpable and I loved it, the sensual descriptions in the dance scene and later in the garden, first rate and really cool. Characterisation peeked there. Imagery and world building was good, affect also good. The plot sounds great and the interaction between characters had a good rhythm.
In closing, I hope you continue to grow as a writer and please fix the errors and think about my offer, or at the very least, find an editor who can help bring out the brilliance in this story. Best of luck! *hands you a fiery crystal bloom and bows* L. A Moon Cat is forever WISE, love this story! =^^_^= |
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Copyright 2004 - Aria's Ink Sailor Moon FanFiction Archive
Sailor Moon FanFiction Stories © to their respective authors. No information must be taken from this site without expressed written permission.
Sailor Moon characters and images are copyright © 1992 Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha, TOEI Animation. English Language Adaptation © 1995 DiC Entertainment.
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