I liked this story as soon as I started reading it
WISE, a few little things, but your writing has improved over time and that is always a plus. There were less of the _alrights_ thankfully, and punctuation was a lot better. However expression in places and grammar, though problematic, is not difficult to correct with a careful edit. Have you thought about getting yourself a BETA editor? Your writing style and story telling ability is good. You would benefit from the support of a good editor, who would help you develop your writing and clean up the superficial typos and errors as you skill-up.
Watch repetition of certain pet words and descriptions, you used first names a lot when you could defer to for example, he instead of James etc, its a delicate balance, but something to look at.
The pacing of events and suspended moments was powerful, but a little fine tuning may be needed here and there. The scene where James is jumped on by the cloaked figure had a timing I was unsure of, it seemed to be a suspended moment, slow motion, it was almost cinematic in its timing, was that your intention? ^_^
Highlights:
Your vocabulary excellent, imagery so much better and fuller. World building, richer and multi-layered and the sensations and metaphors you used were most impressive.
I loved the idea of regfugees from a magical war and an on-going struggle as central to the plot -- for the main character and how this effects the people in their lives that care about them. It has a real power you can unpack.
Sights and sounds during the attack on the village were striking, frightening and potent, you gave a good background and there is nmuch more to be unfurled I feel as time goes on through this story.
Characterisation great, landscape and plot -- quite sound and you are an adept with the fantasy genre.
Well done, but a little nip and tuck here and there and it will be even better. *hands you a crystal staff entwined with pink roses and bows* L.
Pathos, and over-all affect was incredibly good. Style and narrative pace, for the most part, first rate.
The shift from dream/memory to the present, very cleverly done -- a good technique deployed there. |
