Arias Ink - Story Article

A hilarious and most entertaining ficlet

WISE: X!!!X (any form of multiple punctuation a good writer will avoid like the plague, it is grammatically flawed -- a poor way to to emphasize a piece of dialogue -- one exclamation or question mark, not two or combinations, they are ‘Never’ paired’) Be careful of repetition, example, ‘excitedly’ a thesaurus is a writer’s best friend when working to resolve this problem.

"Sere!( sentence fragment), remove the exclamation mark and put a comma and make the ‘you’re lower case You're always such a party pooper! Let's go to the arcade. That usually ruffles you up a bit."
(Be very careful of fragments throughout and incomplete sentences.

1”: Andrew's head swiveled and the sunlight hit his blonde hair *perfectly*,
(? Awkward description with the use of ‘perfectly’ makes it sound odd)
2: Darien looked down suddenly (insert comma for there is a natural pause here)surprised that Serena's head *had hit* (had fallen upon) his shoulder. Her impeccable face was at peace,

3: he thought *to* (awkward, suggest, ‘he thought as he looked at the sleeping girl’) the sleeping girl.

4: As well *a*(could take out ‘a’ to make it sound better) quite amusing, perfect for using later to mock her;

5: Andrew gasped (insert comma)tears flowing down his *eyes*. (?, tears flowing down his cheeks, they don’t flow down your eyes…)

6: Darien just sat there not *know* (knowing) exactly what to think.

7: Serena whispered seductively(insert comma ‘and’) then *at* (replace ‘at’ with, and then her voice rose to a crescendo’) rose to a crescendo.

8: Andrew *had quit making sound*,(this is awkward and grammatically incorrect, suggest something like, ‘Andrew’s mouth refused to make another sound,’) his voice *run out*,(this is redundant and can be taken out) his laughing so hysterical that he had to depend on Lita to keep him upright. Several other people in the booths and *at the* (can leave out the ‘at the’ redundant)nearest consoles were pointing and laughing as well. Lita and Darien didn't make a move.

9: finally (insert comma)seeing *that* (that is a redundant word here)everyone was hysterical over the idea that Serena could ever be Sailor Moon, relaxed (place full stop here and capitalize ‘She’ to start a new sentence)she witnessed the confusion *in* (on) Darien's face.

10: "Huh?(remove the question mark and replace with a comma to avoid fragment and make, ‘what’ lower case and fuse the questions into one) What is going on?"

11: Serena *came* (‘came’ as used here could be taken for a sexual euphemism) sleepily.

12: She noticed immediately that there was an audience around *gwaffing* (guffawing) at her.

13: She stopped (insert comma)not knowing why and again looked at Andrew *and* (replace ‘and’ with a comma) Lita and the audience.

14: "XAlrightX(should always be written as two words, ‘all right’ see The Writer’s Forums – Writing Tips by Crystal Rose) everyone, the shows(show’s) over. We'll be back tomorrow," (I altered the punctuation here and a comma should always be placed before a closing quotation, especially if you have a dialogue tag to complete a sentence-statement)she smiled (insert comma here)but glared at the few who wanted to stay and see what was going to happen next.

15: Andrew said, *in recuperating halfway*.
(awkward structurally flawed, better to say, ‘’partially recuperating’) "Meatball head's hair is *stuck* (caught) on my pants," Darien blurted out, not quite realizing it himself.

16: Lita *just* (‘just’ is a pet padding word more often than not unnecessary as a qualifier and is redundant here’) leaned over the table to try and see what she could do to help.

17: "Let me *just* (redundant) try this,"

18: "Hey Andrew,(I took out the extra comma after, ‘Hey’) why don't you *go try* (redundant and awkward)to see if you have anything in the back to help?"

19: "XAlrightX.(‘all right’)" He walked into the back room(insert comma) spitting (insert something like, ‘out chuckles in tiny bursts’)tiny bursts of chuckles.

20: "I know!" Lita commented. "Your hair got stuck when you were on the other side of him. Maybe if you pulled your hair out straight it would come out."

20: "No, (never capitalize a word or words in dialogue, only ever use such devices as headers for chapters etc)not scissors!"(I merged the sentence as one exclamation mark conveys the drama sufficiently)

21: that XHURRTSX (‘hurts’)!"

22: Andrew said(insert comma) frantically shoving Serena and Darien *in* (into) the closet and tossing in the pack *in next* (after them).

23: and shut the closet door *right* (redundant, can leave this out)as the door chimed *when* (as) Mr. Archer walked into the store.

24: "Yeah, (replaced the full stop with comma to avoid fragmentation) I am *just* (redundant) here to pick up a few of the (insert, financial record) books." Mr. Archer promptly dismissed his nephew, Andrew, and walked into the back room.

25: "Oh Andrew, you're bad,"(replaced full stop to continue sentence in dialogue tag) Lita whispered (insert comma)looking over at the closet.

26: A loud thud came from the closet *and* (suggest replacing with, ‘along with a’) few harsh whispers.

27: "Stop it(insert comma) Darien, that XHURRTSX (misspelled, and should be, hurts)!"

28: "Darien,"(if she whispered, the exclamation mark is redundant) she whispered hoarsely. "Get off me!"

29: "I can't," Darien *came*.(that euphemism again :D)

30: she looked *on* (at) the back and noticed his name *on* (printed) in the white sender's box. "You get Seventeen Magazine!"(capitalizing is a poor writing error all aspiring good writers ought to drop if taking their writing seriously,)

31: Darien turned several *shade* (shades) of red.

32: "Shhh... Meatball head, they're coming(insert comma) we need to think of..." Darien whispered(insert a comma here and add, ‘his’) mind already working. Why do people go *in* (into, or inside a ‘) closets at an arcade?

33: Darien put his arms on *both* (redundant, as implied by the plural, ‘shoulders’) her shoulders. What to do(insert comma here) what to do!!

34: "Aha!Xno capitalsX" came from the closet *rather loudly*.(redundant as the exclamation mark clearly is sufficient to emphasize raised voices, shouting etc,)

35: … he did the only thing he could think to do, he *pull* (pulled) Serena closer and started kissing her (insert comma here)placing her arms around *him* (his waist) in a tight embrace.

36: but didn't fight it(insert comma here) hoping Darien had a plan.

37: Before anyone could do, or say anything, (added two commas in this sentence)he pulled Serena off Xof Darien.
X (this colloquialism is onconsistant here) Everyone was *just* (redundancy) looking at Mr. Archer(insert comma) confused for *various* (obvious) reasons.

38: out of Mr. Archer's arms and *to* (towards) him.

39: and then walked out (insert, ‘of’)the arcade

40: see if you can't keep these two out of *it* (that closet) for awhile, okay?"

41: Darien searched his *brain*,(repetition throughout the narrative, try, ‘mind to mix it up a bit)

42: Lita and Andrew looked at each other elatedly and gave *each other* (repetition, try, one another’) a high five as they watched Serena instinctively wrap her arms around Darien.

Well that is the housekeeping out the way, but aside from those technical flaws and such, the story was fabulous and a riot!

Highlights:

I loved the plot, it was ingenius, funny and skillfully paced and I couldn’t stop laughing throughout.

You have an original flare to create a slap-stick and satirical moment that combined romance and humor with a touch of spice, cleverly done and kudos.

Imagery, characterization and all was great. It was also sexy and nicely balanced.

An excellent first attempt, but I would hasten to add you need to get yourself a darn good editor to correct the errors and coach you on grammar and other basics to help bring the best out in your obvious story telling ability.

I hope this review serves as a foundation stone and template to improve your writing skills in those areas to enable you to grow as a writer.
Good luck!
*hands you a crystal pen and silver parchment and a moon rose*