2013-04-22 11:34 In the name of Glamour & Glitter, Fashion & Fame…- Amy Mebberson http://t.co/icF4yx6qZW @amymebberson

Full Stories
Short Stories
Part Stories
Original Stories

Members Stories
Members Crossovers
Members Song Fics
Members Poems
Members Original
Members Teasers

a great fic, it is a shame you've abandoned it

Excellent simply excellent, although I would suggest pruning some of those extraneous 'ly' adverbs :D

I really loved the atmospherics, class act, great imagery, what strikes me about your writing style is how you manage to layer it with so much, and yet it flows smooth, and reads like a dream.

I would also congratulate you on showing the reader how to weave language, master characterization, using the conventions of culture like the do and don'ts of table manners and the faint, the emotional tapestry brought it all together so well.

The subplots were also great and how you ended the chapter was just perfect.

My only other criticism is in mundane descriptions of body-in-action, one example I found was a redundant tag... "each of her arms, where her arms would suffice, a little thing, but to improve your writing skill and it is over-all brilliant, this sort of thing is more of a fine tuning called for in the final proofing stages, the Show not Tell on extraneous tagging and narration is something all writers have to tackle to one degree or other.

But the chapter over-all was a fabulous read. <3

Very angsty, very good

I cannot tell you how exciting it was to see that you posted a new chapter. The way you write kindo f reminds me of Jane Austin. I'm excited to see more of Darien and Serena's relationship! I hope though, that it won't be a year before the next chapter!:)

This was an amazing chapter. I like the new option Eric presents to Serena. I do wish, however, that we do not have to wait another year for Ch 18. This one was superb and the development between Serena's mother, her aunt, as well as her grandmother was possibly the best way to end this chapter. Bravo!
I especially enjoyed Serena's panic attack; it seems familiar. :) Keep up the great work.

I hope that you are writing more at this very moment, because I can hardly wait!

Superb writing, you keep surprising and amazing us with your writing skill.

I love the continued high quality of the writing, grammar and all, bar one or two little things, is flawless.

I love the dialogue, the settings, the subtle communications, the tension you can evoke and your vocabulary and word usage you wield as an artist does her/his brush to create something amazing!

Characters SM comes through naturally, but something more the images, the dialogue, the twists and turns, its all here and more!

a brilliant WIP and one wrothy of recognition -- a masterpiece of writing class from a class writer! *hands you a crystal quill and a rose and bows*

*Sigh* I couldn't agree with ladymooncat anymore. *Continues to sigh* My favorite chapter so far. Can't wait to find out more about her aunt and all those hidden secret. Keep up the good work *winks* you're wonderful!

"So, how long has he been in love with you?"

What a brilliant way to end a chapter! You had me laughing aloud, and sighing romantically at those two chapters. I cannot wait for the next update!!

This chapter was a delightful read on the beginning of a new year. I am very pleased to see Darien making some real progress. Serena's outspoken aunt adds quite a twist to the whole thing! I'm impatiently awaiting the next chapter. I'll have to reread this one until then.

I loved this chapter! I hope you are writing more as we speak. I can't wait! You're fantastic!

Loved chapter 16! Her aunt is AWESOME! lol. I just wonder what is the problem between her mother and her aunt. *excited that Serena and Darien are finally on the same page!* ^_^ Can't wait to see what you will have for the next chapter!

I love how you write! The language you use and the humor of course of Serena and Darien's situation. Love it! ^_^

This story is soooo interesting. I had read it before but now that it's updated it's even better !!! Love it!! =]

I am terribly addicted to this story. I can actually feel how Serena feels. This growing frustration with her mother, sister, friends and Darien makes for a great experience. Serena seems to be a rebel by nature but I can't help but want to defend her! I am on the edge of my seat waiting to see what happens next with Eric and Aunt Rachel, I've got a gut feeling that they are going to add some delicious twists to the plot. Update soon! You're a great writer!

The suspense and resistance was palpable

WISE, your writing is blossoming so well, you keep dazzling us with every new chapter.

I love the richness of the story and the interpersonal dialogue. This reads like a novel.

Characterisation is fantastic, affect, imagery and timing first rate and the unexpected was great, I also got wonderfully frustrated with Darien and Serena's ability to take one step forward and two steps back in their relationship.

But it is so realistic, communication can be most vexing, especially when you try so hard, for often, one says not what they really mean and its usually something unintended that comes out -- foot-in-mouth, and all else is wrestling over semantics and misunderstanding, I love this story as it expresses how two people, like Darien and Serena, can in many respects be their own worst enemies. Even when overtures are made to put matters to rights are made, often, the words, and oh the words do get in the way of love. The flames get too heated for the ambrosia to flow. What does one do in Darien's position? He keeps saying the wrong thing, reacting and not responding, caught in a trap of his own making. To extrocate himself from that dilemma and turn disenchantment into its opposite, is the challenge...beautifully written and most poignant, loved this chapter and the story! Thank you for the experience and insight! *hands you a crystal pen and a Tux rose and bows*

I'm holding my breath. That means you have to update soon!

This is a wonderful piece of fan fiction! Chapter 14 was a gem and I can just see the argument taking place, you really are a wonderful writer.

WISE: There were a few blips that made me re-read very tiny sections to get the full meaning, but these were so few and far between that it doesn't take away from the story at all.

Please continue with the story, and I eagerly await chapter 15!

Another marvelous chapter, as expected. Truly well-done. I only encountered minor mistakes - a few words are missing here and there - but nothing major.
Good luck on the chapters ahead.
The fire between Serena and Darien is just enthralling.

I'm so glad you continued this. Absolutely loved it!!!!
(Please don't make Darien take Serena to the wedding, I absolutely love the stubborn, independant serena)

That was hilarious- I love this story, its absolutely amazing!

hey great chapter, please write and send in the next chapter soon. More D/S action!!

This las chapter was by far and away the best of all of them! I absolutely loved the 'letter-writing'. You did such a fantastic job capturing their personalities and putting it to pen. Congrats on the excellent work. I can't wait to read more!

WoW! Thisis a fabulous account of Serena and Dariehn, you get so into the characters, rich and compelling. Like a good book, I just can't put it down! It has everything, a darn good read, keep it up!

love this story hope you write more chapters

This was a fabulous character driven chapter

WISE -- a few little flaws, easily taken care of with a careful re-read, but this hadn't taken away from the enjoyment and flow of the chapter.

Highlights,

Lily and Serena's exchange is so true to life, both girls so realistic in their interactions. They are warm and palpable.

It is so reminiscent of sibling exchange, haha! it makes me think back to my childhood and adolescence and smile. *grins*

But vocab, imagery, metaphors all good, mood, tension and the touch of humor, it was all present. A beautiful piece of characterisation

*hands you a pink rose and a crystal pen*

And the plot thickens! Remarkable addition to the story. Your characters are still real, captivating, and so very full of life that their antics just dance off the screen! I don't think I saw anything grammatically wrong with the chapter, but I confess that I wasn't particularly interested in looking... You had me hooked since I read this fanfic last, and just realizing that the story was updated made me squeal with glee. Amazing job! My one regret is that the chapter wasn't nearly long enough... I desperately want to know what happens next and I wish Darien was actually present in this installment (especially since I find their interactions so very intriguing). Anyway, thank you for another wonderful chapter, and I hope you write again really soon! Keep up the amazing work-----------Amethyst.

aww! I can't believe you cut it off there! lol. Well this story is coming along very nicely! ^_^ I really like Serena's attitude, it's pretty funny at times. Can't wait to see what you have coming up next.

This is wonderful! Absolutely wonderful! I'm so anxious to know what's going to happen next. You've been very successful in keeping my toes curled. I just hope you're kind enough to not keep them in that state for long *wink* Update soon!
I'm sorry for not giving a more thorough critique, but I was too caught up in the story to have anything else in mind. So big kuddos to you for that. Cheers ~.^ TF

WISE critique: a clever chapter is 12

careful of some repeat words: mere, merely, mulishly, and a couple of others, great words, but please consider mixing it up a bit. I also must say your vocabulary is in the main fabulous and intricate. ^^ Only a couple of other things, the term 'nodding the head' the phrase can be over-used, and it can seem a tad redundant and best to leave out the qualifier and just use 'nodding or nodded, or place a context, like, 'in satisfaction, or amusment, agreement, solemnitude etc, depending on the nature of its use, just something to think about. 'reaching out a hand' the use of 'reaching' by implication denotes the use of the hand, so its use here is like saying' reaching =hand with a hand twice -- a double-whammy -- so better to say, 'reaching out' and not use the redundant qualifier, careful with that and this last one: her lips pursed *in a frown* The use of persing lips as lips cannot 'frown' is a structural and expression issue to be aware of, as on closer examination, the two actions are related to two different parts of the face. But its easily done, a little thing, but important to point out. ^^

Highlights:

Well, in terms of narrative style, you've moved the story in several amazing directions, I can see star quality in all the chapters you've written thus far:

I definitely get the feel of a 'novel' with this, you have a flare for the writing art. I am hooked, impressed and in awe at your skill at story-craft, not only that, the way you work the direction of the story in general -- magic.

The twists and turns with Holden and Lillie, who would have thought.

Darien's mother is a powerful character, a overbearing, but at heart, well meaning woman. She is real and you've granted substance and almost a kind of sentience to these characters and they come alive for me, and I am sure others would agree.

From a reader's POV I am totally lost in the joy of this work.

I love your pace and how nothing loses its potency, Switzerland included, great plot device and location as well.

The emotional confrontations, punctuation points, the wedding scenarios and the garden scene -- the whole rhythm and lavish descriptions are filled with the perfect balance of dialogue, story telling, visualisation-imagery and the flowing vocab are a plus to see all in one place.

I feel you've got plenty more in store for us and I look forward to it with keen anticipation.

From my editor's eye, while some word usage and expression and other minor grammar issues are in need of tweaking, the over-all high standard of the work is overwhelmingly superb and of integrity and excellence and you are the perfect example of what the WISE philosophy is all about as you strive to create something truly special and do so successfully.

And, I might add, create a tapestry of fanfiction and literary magic that stays with you well after you stop reading, this is such a treasure.

Congrats girl, and I salute you once again!

*hands you a crystal pen and a pink rose and bows* L.

WISE critique: This eleventh chapter was awesome!

I loved the new direction and style of this chapter, it is so true to the kind of thing people did at that time: no emails, internet, cell phones. Instead, letters -- handwritten expressing worlds, feelings, hopes and fears.

Diary-like and authentic, kudos and well done for originality! *hands you a quill and rose*

WISE critique: Another fabulous chapter, but there were a couple of things I wanted to bring to your attention. first, the use of 'bit' is ubiquitous, try and use it less and find 'little and small, or restructure your sentences to reduce its usage. ^^

Avoid like the plague, ( XX ?! XX) multiples of punctuation may look as if they stress a point, but good writing is not a part of this practice as it is grammatically incorrect and words do more to express a point than this usage, it is a habit well to avoid.^^

careful of incomplete sentences and over-use of 'pointedly' a few little typos, but that was it. ^^Otherwise it was fantastic!

Highlights

Drama and tension: you had me on the edge of my seat, my heart stopped several times.

Darien, I felt his frustration, his pain and the shock of Serena's mother's actions, I was livid for her, that was wonderfully carried off.

I also loved the session with Lillie and the older girls and those moments in conversation with Serena, the cushion throwing etc.

Characterisation was continuosly powerful and convincing, the story is well poised and I didn't see that cliffy coming! That was the last thing I expected.

Sterling effort, and a great story

*bows and hands you a rose*

Chapter 9 was both captivating and beautifully written

The images, so clear, so visual and meaningful.

I thought the flow and the structure of this chapter was fantastic.

Be careful of repetition, some words that are great for the piece are good so long as you bring a basket of similar words and not rely on the same ones too often, but aside from a few needed extra commas here and there, it was flawless.

I loved the moment between Serena and her sister, the breakfast confrontation, the dialogue and subtle shift in Serena's relationship with her mother, Darien and that moment I and undoubtedly others were waiting for in the study between Serena and Darien, a great way to polish things off.

There were the lavish descriptions, the context and realism, its all here, a sumptuous narrative banquet for us all to enjoy. Well done and now for the next chapter! *bows and hands you roses* L.

WISE critique:

I love the drama and the humor and how wonderfully memorable chapters 7 and 8 are in many ways for me as a reader, we are in different times and traditions give way to new ones, but we all have had those 'moments' where we test the waters of adult independence and such and you conveyed it well.

I loved the intimacy of the bridge scene, the scaling attempt by Serena, Darien's reactions, his wit and the stormy smolding parents on the threshold, it was all so well put together and characterisation and affect gold stars all-round.

I would suggest a few more commas and such, but it was over-all fabulous, looking forward to chapter 9 and beyond. *hands you a rose* L.

I have to say I love this story. I absolutely love it. Your words, your vocabulary, the historically accurate tone, just everything about this piece has me captivated, enchanted, and longing for more. Your characterization especially is a breath of fresh air. You portray them so well, both unique in their depictions with aspects relatively similar to the original characters you draw from. Serena's rebellions and Darien's antagonisms... just everything intrigues me, drawing me into their world in a way that I don't wish to ever leave.

Just one thing I think you should clarify... In the last chapter, when Darien is speaking to Serena about Lily, he says "She is only a year and a half older than you." I'm pretty sure you meant "You are only a year and a half older than her," since you stated earlier that Serena was the oldest daughter and Lily her younger sibling.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your charming tale. You have an amazing talent and this story holds so much potential... Please update very soon! ^^


---Amethyst.

I loved this last chapter! The letter's were great, especially Darien and Serena's letters, thet gave me a good giggle. lol. Well I can't wait to see what you come up with next! ^_^ It's a great story and you are a great writer! Kudos!

This story is breathtaking. I've been following it on Fanfiction.net and I anxiously await updates. Please post more of this fantastic story.

WISE
Your grammar and spelling are impeccible. Characters and plot are well thought out and developed. Nothing is rushed and everything flows nicely, there are no large gaps.

Best of luck with future chapters and keep writing so you can post soon!

I wish that you would update your story on your site, because I've been following it from there, and waiting (quite desperately) for more!

Please? Soon?

I totally love your story! ^_^ I can't wait to see what happenes next with Darien and Serena, even between Serena and her parents. It's a great read! Please show us what's coming up next, soon! ^_^

Absolutely amazing. You've weaved very loveable characters in a very loveable plot. You obviously have a a greta handeling of the english language and you use it well as you tell me a story of a girl growing up and a man who wants her. You're vocabulary is great as are your vivid descriptions and characterizations. I defiantely can't wait until the next chapter.

Very well done!

Absolutely incredible characterization! I was totally caught up in Serena's confusion and struggle to find her own path. I feel so lucky to have found this story. Keep going, I can tell this is going to be a truly great story when it's finished - its a great story now!

Your characters are incredible - Serena and Lily in particular. You use the point of view to your advantage in building tension and drawing the readers in. Obviously a lot of time and craft has gone into this. I did have one pet peeve in the use of bold words - your writing is far, far too good to need tricks like that. It's more professional to use punctuation or a change of wording to emphasize the emotions. Other than that your writing is technically excellent and your characters are fabulous.

This is really an amazing story that is growing into something really wonderful to read. I'll be anxiously looking for the next chapter. Thank you so much for sharing your talents with us!

Like wow ... you're good G-A, gorgeous story and I want to cheer for you!Take your times, you don't have to hurry if you are writing stuff to get it just right, you are good at it and some folks need to remember you guys do this coz you like to write and you writers got lives and we fans sometime forget this. Great job and don't worry, you post when you feel it right and you are ready! I love Serena and Darien fics! *hugs* ^^

That was hardly enough!

WRITE MORE SOON PLEASE! Thanks!

You are a great writer, and we are getting so many new and wonderful authors joining this web site, I am so blown away at how fantastic it is to see the high quality of these new stories, thanks for writing this. I love WII looking forward to seeing where you go with this, Serena and her sister, a great piece of character writing, the story is really good, and Darien and Holden, those guys going to fight, brothers can be soooooo intense! haha! Good job! ^^

A wondrous tapestry of emotion

WISE, a few tiny flaws, but nothing fatal. ^_^

I loved the way you're writing Serena and Darien, and the complexity of the story in this fourth chapter is magic.

You timed events perfectly, and the story definitely has its own momentum and staying power, and the cliff-hanger, excellent! *hands you a Moon Rose and bows* L.

What an infuriating woman Lilie is. If I had my mother say that to me... I would be absolutely insensed. Serena was beautifully portrayed and this story is a pearl of writing enjoyment. All the right things, and you sustained the tension between mother and daughter and I sat here egging Serena on......that takes talent and deserves a special mention. Good fiction. ^^ M

Please write more soon! I want to know what happens! You're wonderful!

Pleeeeeeease write more soon!
I'm waiting with bated breath!

this was such a good start. I was surprised to find such a refreshing story!

An emotional realization, your writing, sheer brilliance

WISE: I have been a little more thorough in my reading of the text in this chapter, but hope you gain from it as you’re a talented and amazing writer, I can see that.

1: After the Cavanaughs had safely departed with Darien in tow (insert comma here as there is a natural pause. Whenever a writer puts pen to paper, or fingertips to the keyboard, read out aloud the text and seek the natural pauses in speech, where these pauses exist, there-be a comma or other punctuation point) Serena said goodnight to her parents and beat a hasty retreat upstairs to the safe haven that was her bedroom.

2: Lily looked nothing like her older sister, having taken after their father and Serena after their mother. She was *slight* of frame (missing comma here)but taller with a *slightly* (repetition of slight and slightly, careful of this, suggest something, fractionally, or marginally etc) darker complexion.

3: At *17,* (any number under 100 should always be written out as, ‘seventeen’ please refer to Crystal Rose’s ‘Writer’s Tips’ thread)

4: Xalright;X (again check Crystal Rose’s thread on ‘Writer’s Tips’ and Aglaia’s comments on this point in the writer’s forums, ‘all right’ is always written as two words).

5: Lily's eyebrows *raised* (verb conflict, better to use, ‘lifted’) in surprise.

6: Serena finished changing and crawled *back* (did she already get out of bed, I was unsure of this when I read it ^_^) into the comfort of her bed.

7: "He didn't feel it was a big deal, that it made no difference, or something like that; I wasn't very receptive at the *moment."* (tense is all wrong, she is relating a past event and ATM is present tense, so change to, ‘at the time’)

8: "Tut(ad – here) tut, big sister.

9: "Do you not want to marry Holden?( avoid using a conjunction like ‘is’ a sentence starter. Even if it were grammatically okay, it is an extension of the same idea, and it breaks up the sentence into two when unnecessary. You need to cut back on your question marks throughout your story, compact the sentences as it is not always needed, see Crystal Rose’s ‘Writer’s Tips thread in the writer’s forums archives for more details) Is that it?" (Try this, ‘"Do you not want to marry Holden, is that it?”’)

Highlights

I thought the interaction between the two sisters was fascinating and very natural and convincing.

The contrast in personalities came over very well. I loved the use of the bunny plushy as a mode of emotional expression, (poor little ears) ^_^ But seriously, that was a perfect example of a highly skilled writer who has perfect ability to finish dialogue off with flare, and it shows us not tells us her state of mind and emotion. I would encourage all writers to draw from your excellent expression and use of the body and of the environment as a writing tool. Kudos big time for that one. Gold stars all-round.

The climactic realization was also pure magic and very powerful, human and beautifully written. I say again, you are easily the most exciting new writer on site this year and you’ve earned it. I get the feeling you are going to be a giant in the fandom world, especially here, on AI. Looking forward to more and I will put you in my fave lists for sure. *hands you a basket of moonlit pink roses and bows* L.

Fabulous

WISE, a couple of little things, though certainly not critical, 'She shrugged 'her shoulders,' a slight redundancy, but optional as the action of 'shrugging' really needs no qualification, but if adding a context like, 'in resignation, or casually etc, this is not a problem. But its more a passive thing, than anything.

Highlights.

I loved the way you extended the moment with Serena on the stairs, you did that so well.

Dialogue was excellent, polished drama of the first order. Imagery and descriptions of movement of the body, a problem many struggle with expression, you do it with ease and people could and ought to take a leaf out of your book, fabulous expression in the main.

Characterisation is remarkably good, Darien I loved your portrayal, the subtle power of his presence, his skill in dealing with Serena's reactions to him, and she was equally impressive as you almost choreographed the interactions, Darien's parents also and the reactions were well presented.

I would say, on the strength of what I have read, that this is not only the best story of the month thus far, but of this year by far for a debut, few have shone this way and it reminds me of the excellent talent emerging on AI. Congratulations.

Oh, before I forget, your vocabulary is fantastic, Salutations! *hands you a crystal pen and a scroll*

Afabulous start to the story

WISE: I was impressed with a lot about this prologue, and there there were few flaws, I would only say here, She reached *her hand out* ('she reached out with her hand') The only other thing I could say, is try and use far less question marks, and avoid sentence fragmentation.

Highlights:

Stage set well, atmosphere was great as was the imagery.

dialogue itself was interesting, and I felt there was more unsaid than spoken, so a good start, off to read more. *hands you a moonlit rose and bows*