2013-04-22 11:34 In the name of Glamour & Glitter, Fashion & Fame…- Amy Mebberson http://t.co/icF4yx6qZW @amymebberson

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You've definitely lifted the pace in a good way and it is your best writing thus far

WISE I am glad to see you're gradually overcoming some of those old habits and the story flows so much better. I think you can still continue to improve, but you've taken another step forward -- not only with the writing but the story itself.

The images were better balanced and you created the perfect affect, the atmosphere, anticipation of the beast's attack and the cliffy, well yes, it was good!

The story is well poised and I am more intrigued and I think others will find this a most interesting and action packed offering, keep at it and look forward to the next installment. *salutations and winks*

Chapter 6

WISE you need to find a good BETA to help knock out the little kinks in this fascinating tale.

Need to change X alright X to 'all right' had stripped when you need, 'striped' and little things like that. Grammar and typos, some misspelt words and redundancies, often we can define an action like 'he turned his head and torso' TMI (Too Much Information, this phrase is overly laden and by simplifying it and others like to 'He turned to face, or to speak or stare etc, can you see how it saves the reader reading through an action he/she can create for themselves in their own minds? Plus, the knack of good embellishment lies in good detail, but without over stating or telling too much, but making the sentences, scenes and actions both interesting, but not filled with minor redundancies.

Practice with this and you will get the knack I am sure. But I have noticed an improvement in expression but you still have a little ways to go. :D

Highlights

The descriptions of the dog's vocalisations and the reactions by Chad were clever and I liked that, the actual content of the story is good, the dialogue is more convincing and I would only ask you to be careful of repetition, some words and such need a little pruning, and you can use other words to convey a similar meaning, or leave them out at times, Your use of the word, "room" in one part was a good example of this.

Reading pleasure 100%

Grammar and structure 70%

Over-all 80%

Good and can be better! Godd effort. *hands you a celestial sword and a warrior's salutation*

Great Characterisation

WISE, some minor word usage, some repetition and other little things, but a good BETA can help there.

As for the story itself and how it is unfolding, I like the earthy responses and the coming together of worlds, epic genre is a vast writing playing field and your characters and those of Lady Takeuchi Naoko can blend nicely into a multi-verse of possibility.

Characters need to evolve and if you bring new or highlight lesser aspect of traits in canon, it is an act of skill and narrative choreography and to bring a new sensibility to a character they didn't possess in canon, you need to give sound grounds to justify it and to be successful in pulling it off. You've done that in may ways and the scene with the s**tennou and the newcomber was fascinating and a good example of how you did this and the earlier scene where Chad and Rei admit to their unique natures. Good work.

Try to show mor than tell, and keep up the great story telling!

*offers you a s**tennou salute and bows*

I think this an enjoyable read, reminiscent of LOTR, and several classic fantasy stories.

WISE: I think you've got a potential masterpiece on your hands. Make no mistake, this epic has depth, a fantastic plot and the characters are incredibly good. I would suggest however, looking at a couple of areas, perhaps some assistance with grammar, expression and some structural things, these a good editor can give you. Also, what is good about this story is the physicality, that struck me from the outset.

I think you could tighten a few things up, the dialogue is supported with lavish descriptions, this is good, but in some aspects, you need to reduce redundancies, show not tell in those less important areas of body action and movement, a more subtle conveying of mood, affect and such in some situations.

I have to say that over-all, the characterisation is sensational. The generals in the latest chapter are totally out of their depth, they are not only having to cope with being re-awoken after falling at the hands of the Sailor scouts, and all, but the enemy is totally unknown, more deadly than any overlords they've ever encountered. This is the striking part of the story thus far.

The world building is excellent. I was a little sad and dissapointed in the fate of some of the characters who fell, perhaps a flashback, some sense of 'going down fighting' but that is just me. ^_^

The complexity of the narrative and Jonothan's part in this takes a little getting used to, but the rich layers of detail and such make it a little difficult sometimes to grasp and digest at times. (little typos and spelling or miss-use of those XalrightsX are a technical flaw easily tweaked) But by reducing the redundancies in less important descriptions that wouldn't take away from the sheer power of the narrative, such as the mentioning of a lip pushed out when pouting is a self-contained action,things like that need to be tweaked. I know you're a word smith and I take my hat off to you, but to be fair and honest, its those over-stated lesser details that hold back the enjoyment of the reader -- a good editor can trim these for you. Otherwise the pure core of the story shines quite well.

Imagery is striking in color and power. The conquests are good, but you could tighten these a tad, as this would increase its narrative impact, not lessen it. I think the world you've created, the action, the descriptions of the past, its a lot to think about. I wonder if a couple of little flashbacks inserted, perhaps a romantic aspect to bring a human face to warm the reader to some of the characters, humor, and the little narrative alcoves that take us to the familiar, yet introduce a new and exciting little twist might be in order.

This helps with getting to know the characters, we need to relate to them, warm to them and feel with them. You can do this, but we need to see more of it. I like the scene with Rebecca, we see the smaller more intimate scenes highlighting the personas and the reactions from others in such intimate situations, I have seen these in a couple of passages in earlier chapters and they're great, many more of these would help. This allows the reader to gain an affinity with these characters and this grounds them for us. It is only my little suggestion, but often choreographing the many new characters with scenes that establishes one-on -one, or two or three, no more than that for newbies -- ^_^eg (the scene with Chad and Rebecca, the lemonade, a simple device, but it was used brilliantly to anchor the moment as with the kitchen scene at the beginning of the story) gives the reader a chance to get to know them a little better. Might be something to ponder.

In all, you have a good vocabulary, imagery is great, world building superb, the supporting history is good, characters have presence, and the dialogue, reasonably good, plot is fascinating. What about creatures and such, I look forward to seeing what you have in store for us in the next chapter, but keep going, as you've got something here that will continue to evolve and grow and entertain and astound us. I would love to see something with the female blade in terms of character driven aspects, perhaps a romantic link to one of the s**tennou?

All the best and well done! *hands you a crystal sword and bows*

I love it. It's so funny in a sneaky kind of way. I'm a big fan of chapter 3 now. And chapyter 4 is decidedly creepy. The bad guys are extremely scary. You really have a great story going here. It's going to be interesting to see how it develops.

Great start! Your characterizations are amazing! I love how real you make them feel. I did notice a few sentences that you might want to tighten up (like 'She had been in Cheyenne, buying groceries and had even been running late, but had finally made it home.') and a few word choice or grammar bits but all easily fixed. Utterly intriguing plot too. I can't wait to see where you are going with this! I love action stories!

The plot thickens

WISE: I found this chapter was equally compelling, but you need to work again on those typos, spelling, the XalrightsX and the X?!X a good writer doesn't use those and it is a good habit to break. Expression and redundancies were a bit of a problem and repetition in places.

Highlights

Characterisation is stunning, this is what gripped me through the chapter, I did find some of the dialogue a little confusing, but I got a sense of the feelings, thoughts and mood of the characters. The names of the characters were making me wonder, you've used the Anime names, but if they're Japanese, I was wondering if you might use the 'Usagi', Mamoru,' and such, but I haven't read all the prequel, so perhaps there is a reason for this? I am curious about that. Amara and Michelle's fate? Not convinced with the reunion completely.

Weaknesses:expression, grammar, typos, redundancies and repetition, some aspects not convincing enough especially in dialogue and seemed a little rushed.

Strengths, Imagery, mood and atmosphere, drama, affect all-round, characterisation, good.

I feel you would benefit from a good and experienced editor to help smooth out the kinks, I suggest posting in the writer's forums to get yourself a good proofing editor. You are a skilled story teller, but need help with structure and technical aspects. In all, a good chapter. *Salutations and bows*

Fascinating first chapter

WISE: I really enjoy your style of writing, though there were a few little things to tweak.

XalrightX contractions need to be written in their right form as two words, 'all right' I only noticed a few typos, minor grammatical flaws and few redundancies and minor expression here and there, but on the whole it was fantastic.

Highlights, I really enjoyed how you combined the fighting practice sequences with the thoughts of Rei. I found the opening scene clever and entertaining.

I love your descriptions of the landscape and its features, excellent. Topigraphical and other information added a sense of real presence to the setting.

Good use of language and vocabulary. I would however, like to see you do more interactive descriptions between the fighting scenes, and interject with the occasional thought, memory or an image, this works really well, do more of that during fighting scenes to mix it up more.

The love making scenes were good and tastefully done, you don't need to apologize for that portion of the intimate scenes, loosen up a bit more as you don't have to be apologetic for describing Chad's attitude towards his wife's body in matters of love. (there was one phrase that I think you could leave out, I think you might know the one refering to 'not dirty' or something like that. I thought that a little odd. Be honest, and allow the reader to generate the images and enjoy the narrative without putting your author's voice in there with things like that -- Chad has nothing to be shy about. XD

Weaknesses: some minor expression, grammar in places, but not serious, the XalrightX contraction problem, a few typos and some redundancies.

Strengths, Fantastic plot, narrative style, imagery, world building, characterisation, affect, and the emotional tapestry, cdialogue is good, and your sense of timing and keeping the reader's interest is excellent.

Look forward to reading the next chapter! *hands you a crystal katana and bows*