Season: Alternate Universe
Posted on Thursday August 01, 2002 at 17:45 by ladysolo
Main Characters: Mamoru/Darien, Usagi/Serena
Genre: General, Romance
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Number of Chapters: 1 Total Size: 45k Word Count: 7,912
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Oh I loved it! Stories like that really make my day ^^
The repetition of the tic-tac line is very effective, the ending is adorable and the story itself is overall thoroughly enjoyable.
And my birthday is Jan 19 also, which make me like it, if possible, even more =D
I just finished reading your fic and I must say that after reading it, I'm in a nice, languid mood. Maybe it will allow me to drift off into sweet, sugar-coated dreams soon?
Anyway, I really like you repeated the same line over and over. We came to expect it and it established a routine. I LOVE how you sucker-punched us with the line at the end. I saw foreshadowing earlier. Darien couldn't say that he loved Sere, but he sure did love his Tic-Tacs! I love how at the end, you slammed us and let us know that this is exactly what you intended. All this time, there was a double-meaning to the phrase.
As much as I loved this refrain, the sentence structure itself bothered me a little:
~~~~~"...I can't live without them." He said it with such a serious tone, she knew that he was jesting.~~~~~
If you ever go back to edit this, I would put a period or a semi-colon between "tone, she" rather than the comma currently in place. It just really stuck out. I saw a couple of other minor things in the piece, but they were easy to overlook and move on from. It was harder to do so with this because the line is so integral to the piece itself. It got really jarring.
[Same thing at the end when you change the line up a little:
~~~~~He said it with such a serious tone, she didn't know what to make of it. ~~~~~]
I really like the TONE that you used in this piece. I liked the funny moments [For example, Serena joking about mace at the end]. I liked the repetoire that you built between the characters. You built a history--they KNEW each other. The nicknames, the familiar phrases...everything. I really like how you played that aspect of your story. It gave it an extra layer and is part of what made the story truly special.
Finally....because I *AM* a sap.....
I ADORE the last time he made the comment. I LOVE what you did with that moment. I think that's why I'm in such a bubbly mood now. That moment made me melt.
Anyway, I'm sorry that I wrote a really long review. Well, more like a series of nonsensical comments. I like to talk to much. I only write reviews when I have something to say, though. It's meaningless to reply to something with a one-liner if you don't have anything to say. Ahh..it's hard to explain. Anyway..thank you for reading this far. Also, thank you for posting this story for us all to read! ^_^
Wonderful story. I love the tic tacs - such a delicious treat! I liked the use of dates to make things clear (though I kind of had to guess on the sophomore, junior thing - the only one I know for sure it senior is the last one!) And I liked the dialogue - very natural and sweet. Thank you!
|Dirinu - Monday September 26, 2005 at 03:52|
That was an incredibly sweet story, although too brief! You have wonderful talent! More writing and more romance please? I'd like another helping!
I loooooooooooved it! I just love Serena and Darien love stories. You are truly gifted. Keep up the good work. :)
|Ronnie - Monday October 04, 2004 at 17:56|
Loved the story. Very original plot girl. Keep it up.
Wow. I haven't been this excited while reading a fic in forever. It was the sweetest thing... I won't say that I've ever read, I've read some pretty mushy stuff, but it's up there with the "OH MY GOD I WANT TO GET MARRIED NOW!" stories. I was a bit confused as to how Greg could have known Serena since she was in the sixth grade, as she moved there her freshman year, but I loved that the teachers were in on it. I also enjoyed them being the same age, (Darien a little younger?) I felt as though they held a closer bond that way.
Though I am not one of the three who get the inside joke, I love the tictac line in every insertment. I can guess that what he meant was "I love you Serena, I can't live without you." and she didn't believe it for years, and when she finally did, the line changed. I love patterns like that, they really add to the story.
Great job overall, really. I suppose I should listen to the masses and take the time to read more of your stories! Haha but not before I finish Daisy Miller and this God forsaken AP lit essay.
OH, PS, if you ever edit this, for some strange reason the first letter of a few of the shorter words were cut off. Like 'face' and 'be'. I don't know if this was because of a typo or loading problems, just thought I'd mention it.