Crossovers: Unspoken Words of Love|
Posted on Tuesday November 12, 2002 at 16:00 by Vikki
Serena's parents are tragically killed in a car accident, so, she runs away. Gohan finds her on the ground in the forest and takes her to his parents's house. She stumbles over many obstacles, but manages to stand, even if it is unwillingly.
Number of Chapters: 1 Total Size: 14k Word Count: 2,703
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|Loki - Sunday October 01, 2006 at 12:47|
Pathos and drama
WISE: I really enjoyed this chapter. I did find awkward phrasing here and there, some spelling and typos and a few grammar things, but the strength of the narrative was most compelling.
Watch out for multiple punctuation, (?! or !! these forms are grammatically incorrect and drag down a good story. And avoid the dreaded _alright_ it should always be: all right.
The pace of the narrative was a little rushed in one or two places and you might need to re-visit the reaction to news of a family death and the double whammy of a mortgage possession, too quick and life is not like that... I suggest doing a little research there. ^_^
Otherwise, the story had powerful and vivid imagery: the smashed vase, the thoughts Serena had as she picked up the picture of herself and her parents, the forest scene and the shift to being warm and comfortable in bed, disorientation, that was well executed. You only need to slow down a little now and then and go over the events and try and make them flow seamlessly together, timing and plot credibility need to be thought out a little more in one or two places. But otherwise, fabulous effort.
You have great potential as a writer, just work at the basics and read as widely as possible. All the best Vicki! ^_^ *hands you a Tux rose and bows*